I remember our first kiss so strongly. It's weird how your lips know when they've met their match. And also dangerous because once they have, they never want to bother with any other lips again.
I remember when I was plagued with stomach pains so I couldn't go out but you came and cuddled with me anyways before you went out, in my secret fort. Since deconstructed.
I remember how you used to text me from the bathroom. When we were in the same house. It made me feel so happy, that you couldn't stand to not be talking to me even when you were just in another room.
I remember when we made love that night and I was kind of drunk but I pretended I wasn't and I was taking off my shoes and I stumbled and you laughed at me. I was so dizzy with beer and love.
I remember when you said, I still love you, and it sounded really genuine and I really believed you.
Shame on me. I'm a fool.
It's like whenever I finally start to heal from this something comes along and rips it open and it hurts again and worse and worse each time. But I can't stop.
When I still played violin every day and had a lesson once a week and was a promising young violinist, my teacher used to make me memorize my music. After the performance was over, whenever my mind would start to forget the song, I would get it stuck in my head. I would have it stuck in my head for days and each day a different part of the song would disappear from my memory until it was only a snippet. Fragment by fragment.
Every day I remember something and it hurts so that I grimace, biting back my tears until my jaw aches and my throat tightens with those horrible moaning sounds I make, like a caged animal. I hate that the most. I hear it and I'm like where did that come from? And I realize. It scares me.
I can only hope that one day you will not plague my mind like those songs did, that fragment by fragment you will disappear until you are nothing but a promising memory echoing in the back of my mind.
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