Highs and lows.

The onset of extreme highs and lows begins with insomnia. Last night I went to bed at around 11:45. I laid there for about an hour. Then I started crying. It's almost always in the dark at night that unbearable loneliness attacks. I laid there for 4 hours crying and talking to myself. I don't even remember what I said to myself but eventually I drifted off.

I've been talking to myself a lot lately. I think I'm turning into my mother. I also think I've been talking in my sleep. I woke up the other night saying THIRD FINGER ON A. Those young violinists will get to you.

I woke up feeling very happy and refreshed. It remained this way until noon when happy became manic. I laid down to take a nap and sat there for about an hour thinking of things and laughing to myself. A lot. Creepily. Most of the things involving Funyuns. Than Pearl came in and started watching synchronized swimming videos, and mesmerized and mollified I fell into a stupor that resulted in dreamless sleep.

And an hour ago I was crying hysterically. Sitting there just out of the shower wrapped in my towel and crying and feeling the hopeless weight of the world on my shoulders.

I don't know. This does not bode well.

My mom thinks I'm going to move to Richmond and instantly be cured, that my manic depression will disappear like magic. I'm not so sure. And I'm scared.