Laurel

I need to stop running away, but I guess I don't see it as running away, so therefore it is not. I said I was going to travel a lot this summer, that I was going to take any opportunity I was offered to do anything. I'm making good on that and so far it's been mostly good. Still, I would not recommend Laurel, Maryland as a possible destination unless you enjoy poison ivy and getting drunk every night because there is nothing else to do.

I have poison ivy. The worst I have ever had in my life. I'm terrified of ever venturing into the woods again. And the ironic thing about poison ivy is that it's our fault we get the reaction, our fault that our immune systems flip the fuck out and make us miserable. Poison ivy plants are smart. They prey on this ridiculous weakness. 

If it's not gone or improving immensely by the end of this week I'm going to the doctor. It just seems to be spreading over my whole body no matter how much crap I put on it.

I felt genuinely hopeless on Saturday. Probably the hangover. I get scared I will never find my match. I thought you were it, but now I'm not so sure. I think you were physically, emotionally not so much. I'm scared I will never enjoy kissing ever again, that I will never find someone who reduces me to puddle with just a look, someone who I feel like I fit with. I don't care how horribly cheesy that sounds, it's the truth. I feel like a rare vintage shoe missing it's partner. Maybe I just need to find another shoe from another pair. It's just going to be very hard and I'm going to have to go through a lot of fakes and dirty thrift stores. But maybe it's just right in front of me, in my closet, in the palm of my hand.

Sometimes I want to tell you that it takes all of my willpower to not text you every five minutes, or call you, or just do what we have always done in this situation which is move on and forget it ever happened. And wait for the next disaster to occur. But I'm not backing down on this one. I deserve so much better, and I may have found it. I hope you find someone who is good for you. For now, I'm trying my hardest not to care, to be indifferent, and mostly it is working.

Song right now, Jet Black by Jawbreaker. The lyrics are perfect. And it has the perfect amount of frustration, hate, anger, and weariness in it that I feel right now.