i do this thing when i am upset and frustrated where i pull my hair out and rip holes in my scalp until it bleeds.

it's really attractive.

a: what conversations.

who cares.

m: i care. don't be callous.

a: callous is a word used for cowardice and shame.

m: no, that's not what it means, at all, and that's not what i meant.

sometimes i wonder why i put myself through this at all. maybe there is more of an optimist in me than i thought.

you will come back to richmond and stop talking to me completely.

i hate being right.

a: okay.

m: STOP IT.

Wishbone by Richard Siken

You can’t get out of this one, Henry, you can’t get it out of me, and with this bullet

lodged in my chest, covered with your name, I will turn myself into a gun, because

it’s all I have,

because I’m hungry and hollow and just want something to call my own. I’ll be your

slaughterhouse, your killing floor, your morgue and final resting, walking around with this

bullet inside me

‘cause I couldn’t make you love me and I’m tired of pulling your teeth. Don’t you see, it’s like

I’ve swallowed your house keys, and it feels so natural, like the bullet was already there,

like it’s been waiting inside me the whole time.

Do you want it? Do you want anything I have? Will you throw me to the ground

like you mean it, reach inside and wrestle it out with your bare hands?

If you love me, Henry, you don’t love me in a way I understand.

why no one will ever love me.

p: i mostly just feel embarrassed. and like a fool. which makes me feel angry.

m: stabbystabstab.

bad news.

6:38 pm

m: i wish we could be friends. i miss talking to you.

a: maybe. i think our friendship would be pretty unfair.

m: how so?

a: well. the only way i wouldn't be upset all the time is if you were never interested in anyone else. and i would probably want to sleep with you still. and i still like doing romantic nice things for people, but i have no one to do them for anymore. so sometimes i would want to do that for you, but then sometimes not. i think it would be hard on you.

m: the only reason i would agree to that would be because i would think it was another chance to prove myself to you. but i'm pretty sure you've already written me off.

a: some days i've written you off. other days, like today, i wished i could spend it near you.

8:52 pm

m: i think we should be friends. if we choose to complicate it with sex i only ask that you use a condom or remain exclusive to me. we won't make any plans. if either of us finds someone else we have to be mature about it.

and that's that i guess.

i know this is probably going to end badly if you agree to it, but i would rather be hurt by having you in my life, than be hurt from missing you.

think about it. you don't have to answer now.

a: okay. i'll think about it.

this is going to end badly

i'm going to get hurt

you know you can't function like this

you know you're going to get your hopes up

and have them brutally crushed when he finds someone else.

used empty shell of a girl.

they always leave me behind.

i haven't used this in forever.

i considered getting a new one, but i didn't have the heart to abandon this one. it has always been on the back of my mind.

it's going to look ugly for awhile until i remember how to use it.

i will probably be posting things that don't fit on my tumblr on here, and sad things about lost love.

let's keep this a secret.