Eat shit sex sleep die.

I stay positive. You make me happy. I try to stay happy to keep you happy. I keep quiet. I hold my tongue. And mostly it makes me happy.

I stay negative. I hit your words away, good or bad. I cry with frustration. I miss you when you hold me. I say things I don't remember and things I don't mean but they still hurt you and they still hurt me. 

I need security. I need the routine of this. I need the promise from your mouth that you will be with me and only me. 

I love you terribly. So much it hurts. I want you near me, inside me, next to me, so much so that my skin begins to ache. 

I smother everything I touch.

I've never done anything half heartedly, nothing that I care about anyways. Too sensitive, too passionate for anything. I miss the numbness of those pills, my inability to cry.

I'm like a huge hot tropical flower with massive petals, strangling everything I touch and need and feed off of with my roots. I climb the highest trees with my vines covered in thorns and I plumb the richest deepest dirt, feeding and feeding until everything is dead around me. I am radiant and gorgeous in my prime, my terrible monstrous throbbing beauty. I smell like meat and male flies land on me and I trap them and digest them slowly or rapidly, depending on the fly, become engorged, spit out the tiny black hairy legs..

I wish a big deer would come along and eat me, but such is certain death, and the deer know this, and stay away.