Be courageous! Have faith! Go forward!

-Thomas Edison

Over over over over.

This addiction has got to stop.

So fucking disillusioned right now.

Even when I thought things were good they weren't.

But such is life I guess.

I'm going to starve myself in my room for a bit. Make my bones feel clean.

Moving

On Wednesday now. I can't stand this sitting around in my empty room all alone worrying about Pearl and Seychelle and the house and everything anymore, even though it's only been a few days. I think I can handle this and hopefully I won't need to come back in September for that psychiatrist appointment.

I think getting away from a certain someone will be good for me. I know you won't visit. But I think I'm ok with that for the time being.

Photoshoot with Hunter tomorrow. I'm excitedededed.

Made the thing on the right from screenshots from a video on Youtube. Probably illegal/unethical/blah blah blah don't care. They're so sweet. They remind me of fish fighting which everyone thinks they are kissing but they're not.

Which gives me ideas. 

Over it.

Maybe just a little.

I'm getting tired of your lies and your false promises and the constant other girls. I guess I'm just tired. And getting is wrong. I've been tired, but now I feel defeated. I feel fucking defeated. No amount of crying or screaming or coaxing or loving or ignoring is going to make you change. This is a hard thing to live with.

I'm trying to remove myself from you, to make myself your lover, live solely in the physical moment, but it's hard for me. It's not in my nature to do so. I love with my whole self, not just my body. I'm very monogamous and I expect my partner to be the same.

And I care for you. I don't want to. But I do. 

Sigh.

What a tangled web we weave.

I got a new dress today. It makes me look like I have boobs! Yay, I'm almost a real woman. I hope puberty hits soon. 

My blog is probably going to be chock full of inane posts like this until October 1st since I will be friendless and bored out of my mind until then. Well, not entirely friendless, Hunter and Savannah and Maria, etc. I'm looking forward to spending timeee.

Missin' my house, missin' my girls. 

I feel sick back in Virginia Beach. My room is really empty and all my clothes are in cardboard boxes rarin' to go. There is no Pearl around to hog the shower and get chinese food with after I'm done being mad at her for hogging the shower. Sigh. 

Happy official birthday, Savannah! 

Femme Fatale house

Originally uploaded by salmonnn

We play dress up 24/7.

The decline.

Something strange is going on. I can feel it. You are up to something.

Or maybe it is nothing at all.

My nerves are always on edge. 

One day soon I will fall right over.

It's a very sad day when you hear a Miley Cyrus song that completely makes sense and makes you really depressed.

I want to go back to my house now. Driving back to Virginia Beach gave me a stomach ache.

Rip rend tear.

H

For someone so depressed I sure have a lot of hope.

I've seen you at your best and I've seen you damn near your worst.

I still love you, despite many things that should have made me leave you alone forever.

I won't give up. No matter how long it takes, I will make you love me. One day you will open your eyes and see what I have done for you, how I always see how lovely and perfect and gorgeous you are, even though you refuse to see it for yourself. I am all the love you are missing from yourself, walking, fragile, aching, terrible. I want to put it back inside of you one day, when you're ready.

I will wait until then, sometimes patiently and other times not so much. But I will always wait.

I love you more than I have ever loved before, and I fear I will never love as much again.

The worst part

I can't even cry right now.

Just that sinking feeling of dread and my mind mocking me.

I told you so I told you so I told you so.

You stupid silly girl.

I still have hope. I wish I could extinguish it forever so this would never happen again.

Next time. Next time you will be prettier, wittier, better. I will love you forever if you can just do these things.

I'm not sure I believe in possession, but I sure can see how people might think the voice in their mind could be Satan.

Eat shit sex sleep die.

I stay positive. You make me happy. I try to stay happy to keep you happy. I keep quiet. I hold my tongue. And mostly it makes me happy.

I stay negative. I hit your words away, good or bad. I cry with frustration. I miss you when you hold me. I say things I don't remember and things I don't mean but they still hurt you and they still hurt me. 

I need security. I need the routine of this. I need the promise from your mouth that you will be with me and only me. 

I love you terribly. So much it hurts. I want you near me, inside me, next to me, so much so that my skin begins to ache. 

I smother everything I touch.

I've never done anything half heartedly, nothing that I care about anyways. Too sensitive, too passionate for anything. I miss the numbness of those pills, my inability to cry.

I'm like a huge hot tropical flower with massive petals, strangling everything I touch and need and feed off of with my roots. I climb the highest trees with my vines covered in thorns and I plumb the richest deepest dirt, feeding and feeding until everything is dead around me. I am radiant and gorgeous in my prime, my terrible monstrous throbbing beauty. I smell like meat and male flies land on me and I trap them and digest them slowly or rapidly, depending on the fly, become engorged, spit out the tiny black hairy legs..

I wish a big deer would come along and eat me, but such is certain death, and the deer know this, and stay away.

Graduation.

graduation.
Originally uploaded by salmonnn

I'm graduating into the world. My mother is so lovely.

aunt muggs + grandma robin

aunt muggs + grandma robin
Originally uploaded by salmonnn

I haven't done one of these posts in awhile and this is the reason I started the blog! As usual Michaela gets sidelined by her angst. Sorry, guys.
My aunt Margaret (called Muggs) and my grandma, probably in Virginia Beach.

"I'm sorry I was never what you wanted me to be."

Fuck.

Let me kiss you one last time.

Leave me standing here, act like I'm not around
The the coast will probably never clear, can I please go home now
I had that dream about you again
Where I wait outside until you let me in,
and there I stay.

Been in a nostalgic Blink-182 mood a lot lately. Thanks Savannah for reintroducing us.

I want

To tame you. "I'll bathe you in the crystal light that sleeps between my thighs", maybe that will be enough, or maybe you will go away just like everyone else who could have meant something to me.

And you, you are staying right here, but you will not have me.

This is my curse.

My life is very monotonous, he said. I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And in consequence, I am a little bored.

I just want to dance with my shirt off.

I've been thinking a lot about this book I'm supposed to be writing. I want it to be about my childhood, and about me and you, and about experiences I haven't had yet but I want to. 

Sometimes I wish I were a painting. Especially a lot lately. I want to hang in my own room in the RISD museum in a lavish gold frame, surrounded by a pyrotechnic light show. I want Raphael by Cocorosie to be playing, and taxidermied animals to litter the floor, some toppled on their sides with their legs stiffly out. 

Maybe I could just do that as my job, sit inside of a frame for people to look at. At night I will sneak out after the museum closes and sleep beneath shivering Sun King porcelain. They all wear the fat uncertain smiles of everyone outside, the little cupids with dormant snail penises squeezing the breasts of nubile nymphs.

Please talk back to me. Please say good bye to me. I can't bear the thought of never seeing you again. It is hard, but please, come out of hiding for me. I will hold my tears inside until I am away from you. You will see two tiny reflections of yourself drowning in my eyes, but I will keep them to myself. You should be sated on my tears as it is.

There is a man, four thousand miles away. He uses the earth to earn his keep. He has kind eyes and when he is drunk he doesn't speak for fear of chasing pretty girls away. 

A tiny hope, over the mountains. It is no coincidence my nickname is a fish. 

Catch and release. Maybe you could just hold me.

You have to start caring eventually.

Or not.

Pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

You still

Give me butterflies.

I need a net. Put them in a jar and save them for a time when we are both in a better place, or maybe just break off all their wings.

I'LL FOLLOW YOU UNTIL YOU LOVE ME.

I'LL FOLLOW YOU UNTIL YOU LOVE ME.
Originally uploaded by salmonnn

"You trust me?!"
"Completely."
"You shouldn't. I'm a wild animal."

Hold onto this.

Today was such an amazing day, and to think I wasn't going to come. I need to force myself to do more things.

Something about the ocean makes me feel completely at peace. It batters you and takes it out of you and throws jellyfish near you and makes you squeal and run away (haha, HUNTER. You make me happy).

I love getting hit by the waves and diving under them and lifting my body to go along with them. I love salt in my mouth and sand sticking to me and seaweed flowers. I think some part of me remembers my mother rocking me in the waves in Key West and it still makes me feel at ease. My skin is burnt and red but I feel purified. I don't know if I've posted the dolphin picture before but I'll do it again. I need to go through the photo vaults before I leave and get as many pictures as possible.

I love Savannah. We have the same brain waves, only she's really good at channeling mine into good directions. I can only hope I make her as happy as she makes me.

You saved my life.

I feel like a fresh start. I need to hold onto this day and remember it when I feel like dying and wallowing in my own grief. I think I will.

Every you every me.

Like the naked leads the blind, I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind. Sucker love, I always find someone to bruise and leave behind.

I'll never tell you.

If I thought you really cared I would but I feel as if you are just asking out of morbid curiosity.

I read once that some people in Africa laugh at death, it's their custom to. They are not allowed to cry because this shows weakness and the spirits will prey upon it, and than the spirit of the dead person might come back, attracted to their sorrow.

I am on the edge looking at myself trapped down below.

I had a conversation for two hours, the deepest one I've had in awhile, and it turned out it wasn't even real. You were drunk, or is that just an excuse and why do you even need one?

I am so disillusioned, so sickened. Disillusioned is a great word. The illusion is gone, it's been ruined. The fairy food is nothing but leaves and thorns and dead bugs with hairy legs, and I ate it all, gorged myself sick.

When I meet the one I will love again, I will hate him at first. I will hate him for seeing through my bullshit, my manipulativeness, my weakness, my scared acting out. But he won't be scared of me. He won't lash out at me. He won't tsk tsk at me. He will just hold me and understand, or try to. You're sick, baby. You are sick. 

Joely? 

Yeah Tangerine? 

Am I ugly? 

Uh-uh. 

When I was a kid, I thought I was. I can't believe I'm crying already. Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don't matter. So, I'm eight, and I have these toys, these dolls. My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine, and I keep yelling at her, "You can't be ugly! Be pretty!" It's weird, like if I can transform her, I would magically change, too. 

[kisses Clementine] You're pretty. 

Joely, don't ever leave me. 

You're pretty... you're pretty... pretty... 

They would have you believe

That there is something wrong with me

But really, there is something wrong with the world, and if you are not sad and mad and crazy about it, there is something wrong with YOU.

Now every other man I see

it's silly to think that anything ever made sense.
Originally uploaded by salmonnn

Remind me of the one man who disappoint me.

You're boring baby when you're sane.

party
Originally uploaded by xecco

"Where's my cred?"

"Corey G. Dixon ruined my life."

There, you happy?

A book.

Once I read a book, I can't remember the title of it now, but it was about these two girls who have many lascivious adventures, mostly with older rich artists. And I remember in one part of the book the narrator says something about how when someone is inside of you, as in when one is having sex, you are less yourself than when someone is not.

I guess this makes sense. I know you are not yourself when you are with me. I thought maybe the you with me was really you, but I know now it's just another mask you put on with a mouth ready to spurt forth lies.

I don't want to be a lover. I never asked for that. I am not made for that. I am made to love someone all the time, not just with my body at night, like it's something to be ashamed of.

Don't feel bad for me.

I don't feel bad for myself. I bring it all upon myself.

I'm so stupid. You would think that after so mistakes each one would hurt less, but this is not the case. The same mistake hurts every time if not more each time.

My feelings are laid bare for all to see all the time and I feel it all.

"People have free will. Able to hurt each other. It's not all you."

"Sometimes I feel like if someone doesn't acknowledge it as hurt it doesn't exist."

"You're just difficult."

I know.

Rachel.

Originally uploaded by salmonnn

I'm proud of this photograph.

Birdy

Birdy
Originally uploaded by Elif Sanem Karakoc

Highs and lows.

The onset of extreme highs and lows begins with insomnia. Last night I went to bed at around 11:45. I laid there for about an hour. Then I started crying. It's almost always in the dark at night that unbearable loneliness attacks. I laid there for 4 hours crying and talking to myself. I don't even remember what I said to myself but eventually I drifted off.

I've been talking to myself a lot lately. I think I'm turning into my mother. I also think I've been talking in my sleep. I woke up the other night saying THIRD FINGER ON A. Those young violinists will get to you.

I woke up feeling very happy and refreshed. It remained this way until noon when happy became manic. I laid down to take a nap and sat there for about an hour thinking of things and laughing to myself. A lot. Creepily. Most of the things involving Funyuns. Than Pearl came in and started watching synchronized swimming videos, and mesmerized and mollified I fell into a stupor that resulted in dreamless sleep.

And an hour ago I was crying hysterically. Sitting there just out of the shower wrapped in my towel and crying and feeling the hopeless weight of the world on my shoulders.

I don't know. This does not bode well.

My mom thinks I'm going to move to Richmond and instantly be cured, that my manic depression will disappear like magic. I'm not so sure. And I'm scared.

You'd better hope so.

"You're so sensitive! I mean, it's not a bad thing, it's endearing, but that must suck for you."

Yeah. It does. It really fucking does.

I need something. I just. Need. Something.

Something is not being fulfilled.

Sabotage.

I'm going to ruin this for myself.

I'm going to go to Richmond, still obsessed with you, still pining for you, and nothing is going to change except it's going to get worse because I'm going to see you moving on and being happy while I stay in the exact same place.

Sometimes I wish I had never met you.

What have I learned.

Don't fall in love. Don't trust. 

Don't wanna kiss you but I need to.

Again and again.

Your indecision is killing me, or perhaps you just don't care, which is more likely. You've got my heart in your hand as usual. Perilous. Funny how it always ends up there sooner or later.

If nothing compares, why would you want anything else?

I've been feeling kind of antisocial lately. I feel like everyone wants a piece of me and they're all pulling me in a million directions. It's my downfall to find this stressful as opposed to flattering. I'm thinking midweek I'll probably start feeling a little more social, so hang in there guys.

Only want to spend my days with one person right now, lolling about, eating mexican food as we please and watching movies. You would kiss my forehead. I can find the place on your shoulder that is the only place I sleep well these days. We would be happy. I just want to make you happy because that makes me happy. I'm all you need.

Oil and water.

The person I love doesn't love me. that's the way the world works, and I'd rather be alone than be with anyone else. We fumble around like the teenagers we are, grasping onto all the wrong things and misinterpreting each other's every word and motive. The only thing that is certain is the way my skin feels when I am around you, the way my legs get all wobbly, the rushing feeling down my spine. Fear and excitement and love and overwhelming. I feel like your doomed prey but at the same time I hunt you and devour you and spit out your bones over and over again. Next time I say, next time I will do better. I will change myself for you. We are a chain of disastrous recurring events that we are incapable of stopping, and I'm not sure we would even if we could. 

Be with me. Just be with me. We belong together, with all of our disparities. I promise I will let you down. I promise I will be very sorry about it. I promise I will love you so much I will hate you for it. I already do.

Down down down.

I'll cry about it later.

Right now it just feels so good.

The B Show

This is my latest greatest idea. Recently my mom got me a book with wonderful pictures of bacteria in it. In the back was a cd-rom with thousands of pictures of bacteria. I want to make a presentation with all of these pictures and project them somewhere with awesome music. We can call it The B Show or something and make cupcakes shaped like viruses.

No one does it like you.

Sorry I haven't been writing as much as usual. This week was fiddle fever camp and I've basically been coming home and dying of exhaustion every night. I never realized how nocturnal I am until this week. I get the vast majority of my texts and invites to places and things between the hours of 9 pm and 3 am. It's a little ridiculous. I still think I prefer living at night to the day though, no matter how many days that takes off of my life span. The sun sucks. Everything looks better at night and for some reason I feel less heavy.

This week has made me realize how much I really missed violin and fiddling and my music. It's such an important part of me and nobody usually even knows that I play. And I'm fucking good. When I move to Richmond I need to find some people to make music with. I imagine this won't be too hard.

I'm finally fully recovered from the poison ivy! There's a little bit left on my stomach and fingers but the vast majority of it is gone. I have some scars. Oh well. War wounds. Life with steroids sucks, and life without it sucks more. One of those lessons you have to learn the hard way. Our bodies attack themselves.

I feel like I've been operating on autopilot a lot lately. It's safer that way. I'm waiting for the next disaster, collecting my tears inside of me. Things between us are uneasy and frustrating and twingey. Like PMS kind of, when you feel bad and restless and achey and you almost never guess why until it's too late. That was kind of a weird gross example, sorry.

My heart is still numb. I hope one day it will unthaw from it's encasement of bitterness and weariness. I'm not going to worry about it too much right now. 

I only hope that maybe when man walked the earth as two, when we got separated, little pieces of us scattered everywhere, and not everything is just in one person. 

You make me feel things I've never felt before and I feel I will never have again. I hope I can prove myself wrong.

 No one does it like you- Department of Eagles

Where do I begin.

I don't even know.

Unthaw please, please, please.

Heads will roll.

First of all, the greatest thing I have ever seen. A penis cake pan.

Anyways.

It must be really fucking hard to stay with one person for any period of time and be faithful to them if you have a penis.

I don't understand.

At all.

I was really digging you.

And you have a girlfriend.

Now I'm that girl.

I feel so dirty and all we did was talk. I gave you a miniscule amount of trust, and you weren't even worth that.

I feel so hopeless. 

I need a sign. Or something.

I'll be alone forever. And maybe I just need to learn to be okay with this fact.

Originally uploaded by salmonnn

i've made my bed, don't have to lie in it.

We are not equals.

"We felt the imprisonment of being a girl, the way it made your mind active and dreamy, and how you ended up knowing which colors went together. We knew that the girls were our twins, that we all existed in space like animals with identical skins, and that they knew everything about us though we couldn’t fathom them at all. We knew, finally, that the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love and even death, and that our job was merely to create the noise that seemed to fascinate them."

-Jeffrey Eugenides, the Virgin Suicides.

(Barbie, you find all of the right things at the right time.)

Geeking

You and I got us nothing to give, wasted time and a mental drip
Automatic sex machine, rabid dogs get high on meat
Sanity's edge.

-Spinnerette

You'll find a new girl to call.

Photo by Richard Avedon.

Remember when you gave me that Richard Avedon book? 

It was one of the best presents I've ever received. 

I threw it away.

It was all a lie anyways. Those days, all lies. I know who you really are.

(but sometimes i wish you would come back.)

do you love me now.

Originally uploaded by Helénica

More things.

Cold skin.

Freckles on shoulders.

Slaughterhouse-Five, but only the book, not the film.

Room temperature water and how it makes your tongue feel fuzzy.

Plastic sandwich bags.

Jet Black

And this video has always given me intense brain orgasms. Thank you to Dannielle.

Laurel

I need to stop running away, but I guess I don't see it as running away, so therefore it is not. I said I was going to travel a lot this summer, that I was going to take any opportunity I was offered to do anything. I'm making good on that and so far it's been mostly good. Still, I would not recommend Laurel, Maryland as a possible destination unless you enjoy poison ivy and getting drunk every night because there is nothing else to do.

I have poison ivy. The worst I have ever had in my life. I'm terrified of ever venturing into the woods again. And the ironic thing about poison ivy is that it's our fault we get the reaction, our fault that our immune systems flip the fuck out and make us miserable. Poison ivy plants are smart. They prey on this ridiculous weakness. 

If it's not gone or improving immensely by the end of this week I'm going to the doctor. It just seems to be spreading over my whole body no matter how much crap I put on it.

I felt genuinely hopeless on Saturday. Probably the hangover. I get scared I will never find my match. I thought you were it, but now I'm not so sure. I think you were physically, emotionally not so much. I'm scared I will never enjoy kissing ever again, that I will never find someone who reduces me to puddle with just a look, someone who I feel like I fit with. I don't care how horribly cheesy that sounds, it's the truth. I feel like a rare vintage shoe missing it's partner. Maybe I just need to find another shoe from another pair. It's just going to be very hard and I'm going to have to go through a lot of fakes and dirty thrift stores. But maybe it's just right in front of me, in my closet, in the palm of my hand.

Sometimes I want to tell you that it takes all of my willpower to not text you every five minutes, or call you, or just do what we have always done in this situation which is move on and forget it ever happened. And wait for the next disaster to occur. But I'm not backing down on this one. I deserve so much better, and I may have found it. I hope you find someone who is good for you. For now, I'm trying my hardest not to care, to be indifferent, and mostly it is working.

Song right now, Jet Black by Jawbreaker. The lyrics are perfect. And it has the perfect amount of frustration, hate, anger, and weariness in it that I feel right now. 

The words.

Man... FUCK.

Just let it go.

Some Things

Rusty bobby pins by the sink

Detached hairs in interesting patterns

Runs in red stockings that look like arteries

Moments of intense, bone crushing sadness

And hunger

The clear pool over eyeballs.

I want love that feels like No Rain by Blind Melon. Not anything to do with the words really, just the way that song makes you feel.

Think about it.

201 post

Thank you Barbie for this, you are never a bother to me. Keep sending me brain presents, they make my day. =)

Sometimes I think something is broken. I'm doomed to work like clockwork in this same shit circle. I need something.

I need to find it soon.

I hurt. I hope you hurt too, but I know it could never be half as bad as I hurt. Sorry, I just know this as fact.

Going to Maryland with Raven all weekend. Adventure.

Listening to Grizzly Bear 2 Weeks.

I breathe but I don't live.

I want the quiet moments of a party girl (boy)

I haven't been away so long but I kept you waiting. I haven't been away so long seems some things have changed. But bad habits still make best friends. Aren't we just like envelopes? Keep in touch with my hand. Have you met the new guys? Let's play "Who Here Would Have Gone Nazi?" Let's get it on. I'm sorry I want to die. Do you still want to die? Let's get it on. Let's drive to Alaska. Let's drive to Alaska. Let's drive to Alaska. It really is a lonely life leaving and ignoring messages. All the necklacing. Let's drive to Alaska. Let's drive to Alaska. Let's drive to Alaska. Oh, I enjoy myself. I'm sorry I want to die. Do you still want to die? Let's get it on. O, don't we all saunter innocently enoughlike, love as a battlefield video.
-Owls

"i want to scold you

'cause i care more

than i care to."

Because

1.) You lie to me. Constantly. Or just don't tell me anything at all. Which is another form of lying.

2.) You can't say sorry. No matter what. I think you've only said sorry to me about 3 times during the whole course I've known you. And it was sarcastic or for things that didn't matter, like stepping on my foot or something.

3.) Every time I close my eyes or I'm not thinking of something else, I think of you, and that indubitably leads me to think about the shitty things you have done.

4.) You think you're so fucking perfect and everyone is below you.

5.) You know you're attractive and you use it like a weapon.

6.) You're a womanizer. You love dumb bitches. You love using them.

7.) Of you, I've lost my faith in fidelity.

8.) You use me. For sex, for things that I give you, for favors I've done for you.

9.) You've never given me anything except at Christmas, and except for things you didn't want anymore, and you're an indian giver. Normally I wouldn't give a shit but now it's just another thing I despise about you.

10.) You ruined my birthday.

11.) You don't care about anyone else's feelings, only your current needs and wants.

12.) You're really close-minded. You refuse to try new things, listen to different music, look at different art, watch anything other than 80s films, yet you tout yourself as different, as this hipster god.

13.) You will say anything to impress anyone, especially girls. Even lie.

14.) You are really really mean to me when I cry. Instead of just awkwardly patting me on the back and telling me if will be ok like you probably should you get mad at me and yell at me.

15.) You don't like going for walks. You complain constantly about driving but if I make you walk 10 feet you bitch about it.

16.) You don't take care of yourself at all and you won't let anyone else help you. You blame most of your mistakes or the dumb things you do at night on being drunk.

17.) You doubt that I love you.

18.) I constantly have to try to decode everything you do, try to find the real motive for it, and yet you never do the same for me. You see me getting upset and you instantly just think I'm crazy. You don't stop and think about it, you just get defensive or pissed off.

19.) You know how I feel about her. And you don't care. I know how you feel about certain people, and I just don't talk to them. I care about you that much that I would give up certain "friends" for you.

20.) You say the same things to other girls you say to me. I hate that so much. It makes it seem worthless.

21.) You've led me on for about 3 months now, hanging a relationship over my head so you can get what you want from me.

22.) You are in fact vindictive. Whenever we get into a fight you run off to talk to some girl I feel insecure about. You go and have oral sex with one of them. I would never do that to you. Maybe I should start since it seems to work for you.

23.) Whenever your best friend is around, you lose your head. You do asshole things. Even though he isn't fucking you, even though he isn't the one you call when you get in trouble or get lost coming out of Richmond and talk on the phone with for like 2 hours, you always stand by his side, even when he is so so so wrong and has no idea what the situation is. Think for your fucking self.

24.) You never tell anyone your middle name. Who the fuck is that insecure. It can't be that bad.

25.) Instead of comforting me about my insecurities, instead of saying, look I can understand why you're upset but you have nothing to worry about, I love you, you just get pissed off and defensive. Yep. That really convinces me nothing is going on.

26.) Sometimes you won't make eye contact with me when we're having sex.

27.) You're kind of an asshole when you sleep. When you're happy with me you're a really great cuddler but when you're not you just turn away and throw my arm off of you.

28.) The whole trailer park boys speak is really fucking annoying sometimes. Really.

29.) It's really not funny to say I hate you. 

30.) All girls go through people's cell phones. It's just something we do, especially if we feel suspicious, and so far I've never been proven wrong.

31.) You make me seem like a big fucking fool in front of your friends. Oh, there's Corey's stupid ex girlfriend. You really shouldn't let me hang around you.

32.) You say I make assumptions but so do you.

33.) You tell people I'm psychotic. You talk shit about me.

34.) You don't respect my boundaries. I tell you to leave me alone and you won't. What the fuck do you want from me anyways.

35.) You made out with someone and the next day called me as if nothing had happened asking for favors, and I fell for it, because I trusted you and because you lied to me about the situation.

36.) Every time I've trusted you, you've let me down.

37.) You're only a photographer sometimes, when it makes you look good, and you waste your talent on stupid shit like taking pictures of assholes at dumb clubs.

38.) You asked me to be your girlfriend again when you got back from Georgia, and then deleted my comments the next day and refused to change your status and acted as if it never happened. That is really fucked up. Really.

39.) You infiltrate my group of friends so now it's almost impossible for me to go anywhere at night without you fucking being there or me having a panic attack about you being there.

40.) I know this is just the excuse you've been looking for to finally get rid of me. I know you're not going to try to contact me or come see me or make this right. You don't care, you've made that abundantly clear. And that makes me question ever loving you in the first place.

I never want to see you again. I want my key back. I want my flannel back. I'll never mention your name again if you never mention mine.

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY.

Deleted my myspace and deactivated my facebook. 

(Well I can't delete my myspace because the email is no longer active but I told Pearl to change the password to something complicated and numerical that she won't remember and not tell me.)

Thinking about getting rid of my cell phone for good.

I lived so long without it I don't need it.

I can just use Pearl's phone in emergencies. In the meantime I'm turning this off. If you want my house phone contact Pearl. Chances are I won't answer though, the phone in my room doesn't even work anymore I don't think.

I need to be alone for awhile. I need to sleep and dream and not eat and not get out of bed for awhile. I need to be dead for awhile.

I need to reconsider why I've been put on this earth and whether I want to stay here anymore.

I hate people. I hate society. I hate everyone. I hate myself. I hate everything.

No one can be trusted. Just remember that. And never trust happiness. Everything is a fucking lie.

50 Secrets

Ok so I know I promised to do this TONIGHT, well, yesterday night now, for you Savannah but I got busy and I'm doing it now and I really hope I can get my staple gun back soon. I miss you, Heavy Duty. Hang in there.

I really hope I have 50 secrets. I'm going to try. Some of them might be really uncomfortable and some of them might be really stupid and some might not even be secrets at all but I'll try. And I really hope certain other people read this and forgive me for some of it.

Ok. Long random list number 2!

1.) My sister once dubbed me "Squirtle". The reason for this is because I ran out of birth control pills and couldn't go get more for some reason and I think I also had the stomach flu, but three days after running out I had a terrible nightmare and I woke up and ran to the bathroom and had the worst diarrhea of my Whole. Entire. Life. I was crying. It was like my butt was vomiting. Of course I had to tell Pearl and to this day she still calls me Squirtle. Now you all know why. And now you know why I HATE that nickname.

2.) During the duration of this sickness time I started texting the tumultuous love of my current young life. He's been stuck with me ever since. And I don't think he knows about the Squirtle thing. That's the secret I guess.

3.) He has no idea how much fucking courage it took for me to text him. Seriously. I sat there and stared at that first text for about a minute and when I finally did it I squealed and hid under the covers and had a panic attack when he texted back and couldn't look at it.

4.) Everyone says I'm a flirt but I'm actually really really atrociously bad at those types of things. As is obvious by the above.

5.) A lot of these are going to be about aforementioned love of my young life by the way, sorry. I'm really obsessed with him. Obsessed isn't the word I guess because it sounds creepy but I guess that's love. Love is creepy as fuck if you think about it.

6.) My nipples are pierced.

7.) One time I overheard my parents say about me "Michaela doesn't listen to anything you say she just stares at things that aren't there." I thought nobody noticed.

8.) When I was going through puberty I was really obsessed at staring at crotches, particularly male ones. Seriously. It was weird.

9.) I hate walking when people are watching me. I feel so awkward and I think I walk funny because I overanalyze my movements and usually stick my fingers in my mouth which looks really infantile.

10.) Sometimes I think all I have going for me is my looks.

11.) And other times I really think I have nothing at all going for me because sometimes I think I really don't look all that great.

12.) I think my eyebrows make me look angry but I'm afraid to ask someone because that's just a really stupid thing to ask.

13.) I spend a lot of time staring at my own face. I wish for one moment I could step out of my body and see me the way other people do.

14.) I'm starting to really hate girls. Seriously, unless they are really cool or really smart or really unattractive I feel majorly threatened by them and won't be their friend.

15.) My favorite font is Helvetica and I do not care how hipster that is. I liked it first, ok?! I've even watched the documentary. How many people have done that?!

16.) As far as clothes go I really really just enjoy being comfortable now more than anything. I spent so many years wearing fussy annoying ridiculous clothes. Still, sometimes I get worried my appearance is too boring which is a dumb worry.

17.) I'm really self deprecating. =(

18.) I used to steal my mom's romance novels and read them secretly until I realized how repetitive and boring they all are.

19.) I lurk a lot on Myspace and Facebook. Part of my annoying insecurity that I seem to have developed a lot of as of late.

20.) I'm really really good at subtly getting revenge. It scares me sometimes.

21.) Every time I'm about to do something I get really scared I'm going to mess it up and I get so scared I will I usually do. It's a vicious cycle.

22.) I'm bipolar. 

23.) When I want to make myself feel better I usually change my appearance in some way.

24.) I'm really bad at names. 

25.) I'm also really bad at celebrities. Seriously I usually can't care less.

26.) Sometimes I think if I got pregnant I would be really happy.

27.) I know it's boring but I want to get married and have children and a dog and hamsters one day.

28.) There are three people in this world that I would like to see die, and if I could get away with it, I would kill them myself and probably relish every moment of it.

29.) I hate people you have to try really hard to make smile or laugh. 

30.) I really love old people and watching old people and conversing with old people. Especially carmudgeons.

31.) Black people usually think I'm really funny even when I'm not doing anything funny at all. It makes me feel weird.

32.) I had this friend at Salem named Arianne and she used to punch me on my upper arms all the time, which are ridiculously sensitive but she was kind of really scary and I never said anything to her about it even though sometimes I had to run to the bathroom and cry. I feel stupid about it now. In her own way she really cared about me though. She used to make fun of me a lot but if anyone else did she gave them a lot of shit. She was also the first and only person in my life to ever cornrow my hair.

33.) Hallways scare me. I usually have to run through them really fast.

34.) One time I got a really gross hair growing out of my areola but I plucked it out and it never grew back. I still have nightmares about it even though apparently this is really common.

35.) Speaking of boobs, I'm really insecure about mine. I'm getting better at not hating them though. It just seems infinitely unfair that I don't have any.

36.) If my sister died I would want to die with her.

37.) When she got her nose pierced I almost punched the piercer out. I hate seeing her in pain.

38.) I've never actually punched anyone though and even though my dad taught me how I don't think I would pack a very powerful punch. Which scares me a little but I don't plan on ever getting into a fight.

39.) One time one of my ex boyfriends watched me get punched in the stomach at a show and he didn't say or do anything, he didn't even ask me if I was ok. And than he left me all by myself at 2 in the morning on a dark street corner because I was waiting for a ride. I've never told him so but this is the prime reason we broke up, among other more obviously devastating reasons.

40.) I don't think I'm self absorbed I'm just constantly trying to figure myself out. Sometimes the way I act shocks and repulses even me.

41.) I way overanalyze germs. Like I will watch someone sneeze and than make a trail of germs wherever they go.

42.) I get rashes on my neck when I'm stressed out or nervous. I really hate it.

43.) I probably spend more time thinking about annihilating body hair than anything else worthwhile. Ok maybe that's an over exaggeration but I think about it a lot and my hate for it. Not so much on other people but on myself. I actually admire hairy people.

44.) One time during the time when I was a vegetarian my mom made steak and in the middle of the night I got this intense craving for it so I went to the kitchen and ate more than half of it with my bare fingers, picking it up cold off of the plate and shoving it into my mouth. She knew but she never said anything about it and I never told anyone.

45.) Anything fried gives me a crazy stomach ache and diarrhea.

46.) I tell my mom almost everything. Seriously. Everything.

47.) When my sister pinches her arms it pisses me off a lot. It's really stupid and I shouldn't care but I really wish she would stop.

48.) I used to fantasize a lot about killing my dad but now I'm really glad I didn't.

49.) I now just enjoy thinking up elaborate schemes that involve a lot of suffering for people I dislike. 

50.) I feel really guilty when I talk about myself too much. All of this usage of I is giving me a rash.

Random things.

I thought I would do one of those things that everyone likes to do where they list random things about themselves. Sounds invigorating. I'm going to try to do it every once in awhile on here.

1.) I change my mind every 5 seconds.

2.) I think it's stupid how much humor means to people. Like if you're not funny at all you won't have friends. That's just how it works. That sucks.

3.) I really hate it when people project onto you. Like they say "You're cheating on me!" and you're like "No, that's what you would do. Don't try to assume I'm like you."

4.) I need to learn to be my own heroine. Sometimes I just wait for things to get better without doing anything about it, or for someone to come along and make me feel better about things. For someone so antisocial I'm really actually very dependent and needy upon/to my friends.

5.) It makes me mad when someone can't say sorry and they refuse to believe they did anything wrong. Any time something shitty happens I usually say sorry even if I didn't do anything wrong because I'm sorry the shitty situation is happening. See?

6.) I try not to say 'like' too much but sometimes you have to for it to make sense.

7.) My voice is really monotone I think.

8.) Nothing annoys me more than dumb girls. Nothing.

9.) I know I say that I hate people and they're all boring and 'normal' but truly, I feel like no one is normal. Everyone is fucked up in some way or another, especially the ones that try really hard to look normal.

10.) I like to try to figure out people's giant character flaws just by looking at them. Usually I'm right. Especially if it's a guy.

11.) I find it really annoying how jealousy works. Because if you have too little of it, it feels like you don't care, and if you have too much of it, that's not good either.

12.) I get really anxious. ABOUT EVERYTHING. Even things I do every day. I know it's stupid and I'll be ok but I still get anxious. At the same time though I find myself really not caring about anything. It's the weirdest feeling to be anxious about something that doesn't matter to you at all.

13.) I put all of my stress in my stomach. Sometimes the muscles around my stomach really hurt because I think I squeeze it when I'm nervous or upset.

14.) I have a hiatal hernia. Basically that means my stomach is even more fucked up than previously mentioned and I have hiccups all the time.

15.) I hate taking medication. For anything. I put myself through a lot of needless suffering.

16.) I know everyone hates complaining but I honestly think I'm the funniest when I'm complaining and it's part of who I am.

17.) I don't think I'm better than anybody else. I KNOW I am. In some cases.

18.) If I don't read every night at least a little, even if I'm really really tired, I can't sleep.

19.) I love cranberry juice. I dislike Gatorade. I have my reasons.

20.) If you ask me to recommend a book I'll usually recommend Feed or the Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing by M.T. Anderson, or Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block. Depending on who you are. Those are just the defaults for some reason.

21.) I really want to be a piercer some day. I think I'd be good at it. But I don't tell a lot of people this dream because it seems infinitely impractical.

22.) My infinite practicality and tendency towards flights of fancy have arguments all the time.

23.) I live in my own head more than I live in the real world. I'll make myself sick with imagining things and sometimes I think things I imagined actually happened.

24.) My friend Mykel is the BEST at telling stories or giving advice. Seriously.

25.) I hate pooping and not being able to take a shower afterwards. It just feels nasty.

26.) My sister and I and most of my close friends talk about poop a lot. If you can't handle it chances are we won't be friends. Any time I'm pooping and I have my phone with me I text my sister or Seychelle and tell them all about it. And I love getting phone calls while Corey is pooping. It's funny and makes me feel special for some ridiculous reason.

27.) I love dresses. I just want to wear dresses or rompers every day. I hate putting on pants and taking them off. It sucks.

28.) I feel uncomfortable if I'm not wearing underwear. Except for in obvious situations. Cough.

29.) The two most frequent insults I hear from ex boyfriends are "psycho bitch" and "nymphomaniac".

30.) The question I get asked the most is "is that real?" in reference to my tattoo.

Love, or some sort of great tolerance.

My parents wedding. I was there.

One day, I really want to get married and have children.

I hate how

Every time you feel like you've got a handle on things, that it's up up up from here on out, something almost always comes along and knocks you off of your feet again.

But I guess, in a way, it's also very wonderful.

Mom to baby says.

"You need to work on not feeling like you don't have any friends. You have way more friends than I had at your age and you seem to have a lot more potential of staying friends with them for a long time."

I guess my mom is right. I'm going to put in fresh effort towards getting my permit too. I'm just really nervous. I need to work on not going into everything with the thought that I'm going to completely fuck it up.

I lied to my mom last night about something but she figured it out anyways. I feel bad about it. She told me that I could tell her anything, that even though she may not like it, she knows I'll figure it out and I need to tell her the truth in the mean time. I don't know what I was thinking. I never lie to her about anything. I guess I was just trying to spare her feelings but I'm learning very quickly that "trying to spare someone's feelings" can often be more hurtful and have a more negative effect than just telling them the truth.

Whoosh.

In other news, I'm really glad John and I are friends again. He's a very positive influence in my life right now. And I'm glad I'm back in Virginia Beach with Pearl and Hunter and Seychelle and Savannah and everyone, even if a lot of people here are assholes and call us pasty (Pearl). 

Anyways, I'll say it again: I am so lucky to have friends, to have people who put up with my obnoxious angst all the time. I promise one day I will repay you guys in full.

As far as affairs of the heart, I'm just going to let it be. I still want to be with you more than almost anything in this world. I still think about you every five minutes, if not more, of every day. I am the most happy and the most safe when I'm in your arms. I'm going to miss you, but I figure while I'm here I might as well make the most of it, and the rest is up to you. I'm not going to bug you about being with me anymore. It's your choice, and I don't want you to say it again unless you truly mean it. I will always have a place in my heart for you, I would do anything for you. I hope you know that, and I hope one day we can look back on this and remember only the good things, and laugh at how silly we were. That's my plan anyways.

And everything will be ok. I love you.

I think my new goal is to one day become a flight attendant, or work for an airport, maybe a gatekeeper or something. I think I would really really enjoy that.

List of things to accomplish/future goals:

Clean my room really well and throw out at least half of the crap in here I forgot I even had.

Get more root beer floats with John and have Volta listening drives.

Go on more adventures with Savannah and Pearl and Hunter. 

Save my money so I can go to Bob Dylan with Ashley.

Find the (other) bike of my dreams and possibly the person who stole mine so I can finally get my revenge which I'm still drawing up the diagrams for.

Find a job in Richmond, but I'm probably still just going to transfer to the Barnes and Noble there.

Sounds good for now, eh?

Afterwards.

It's harder to get up on the right side of the bed

These days foot steps in snow make me feel less alone

It's secret I'm still hoping for some kind of X-ray vision

And I would beam into your bedroom blinds just so I knew you were alright

Acting mature is overrated I miss the days of keying cars

And spreading rumors on the bathroom stalls and locker room walls

Where we forgot we looked when we were hoping no one noticed

Praying someday we'd fit into this mess

It won't be long before I

Forget just what it felt like

To fall asleep with you breathing next to me

I shut the door when you left to keep out the cold and myself

From running after you just like I saw in the movies

It's true I have my regrets we never danced on rooftops

And I have found some fake words to say when a stranger asks about our death

It won't be long before I

Forget just what it felt like

To know that I did not know anything

It's safe to say that even though we're disregarding

I can't help but to wonder which song you're humming

And so I sit and pretend I don't mind that I don't know you

or what your schedule might look like on any given Thursday afternoon

somebody wrote this rulebook and so we will make the effort

to be more scarce in the social situations that we might share

It won't be long before I

Forget just what it felt like

To feel anything for you at all

In lines at grocery stores I'm dozing off into your arms

and I hope somedays you can't help but to doze off to me too.

-Danielle Ate the Sandwich, Afterwards.

Clutch.

Jun 29 4:51 PM

"HEY! Michaela... (you shit sunshine) Have a great day!"

Don't worry.

don't worry.
Originally uploaded by salmonnn

You'll get used to it.

I can't decide for the life of me if I love this or hate it.

Kind of how I feel about myself, so I guess it's appropriate.

Today I gave myself all sorts of wonderful compliments.

Like I would think up typical degrading Michaela things to say to myself, that I guess I would normally say to you, and instead of dealing with your bitchy responses I said the things I wanted to hear. From myself.

I think sometimes men have a hard time giving compliments, saying nice things. It makes them seem less manly. Or maybe I just don't understand a thing, but since no one seems keen on explaining any of it to me, I'll just stick with my rationalizations.

I've noticed that my blog has sort of become a love/hate letter to you.

I think it's time to focus on myself, since I doubt you even read it anyways, but maybe that's why I feel comfortable saying it in the first place.

Leaving Rhode Island the day after tomorrow.

My heart is swelling in my chest for my cousin Nina and my Aunt Margaret and my grandparents and for cows and for Hobbes. I hate good byes. 

I've sure got a whole lot of loving people to go back to, though. 

I'm excited to drive around Pungo with Ashley, eat donuts and talk about Cat Power with John, photoventures with Hunter, drinking thai iced tea with Pearl and playing with birds with her and Matt, the boardwalk with Dave, swinging at night with Seychelle, eating chocolate cake in a dress with Chris, and so many more, and in no particular order. I have such amazing people in my life.

"Only when she snored did he reach out to touch her. The fact seemed to him infinitely saddening."

Thank you, Juno.

You know, I'm ready to find someone who thinks I shit sunshine.

I want to be friends with you maybe someday. We'll see. 

I feel like we never got to be just friends, I was always in love with you. But it's ok now.

Everything feels ok right now.

I know

It's really stupid but sometimes I'm mad at you after I have nightmares involving you.

Red squirrel in the morning.

I've decided that when I get home I'm going to start amassing a giant hair ball from all the hair that falls out of my head. This is one reason I hate having long hair. Seriously, if you run your fingers through my hair you'll come away with enough hair that you'd think I'd have a bald patch. 

It's a little ridiculous. I'm sure when it's short it falls out just as much but I don't notice as much because the little strands are smaller. Go figure. I'll probably cut my hair when I move so I don't have to wash it as much and I guess it makes me look cooler. Uh.

I can't wait to go home. I can't wait to start purging my room before I move to Richmond. I have a lot of things I'm not planning on taking with me.

And I can't wait to see my sister and Hunter and Seychelle. I miss home but I feel safe here. 

Things to save money for:

Bob Dylan with Ashley

Traveling

I also bought this really gorgeous dress before I left. I need to find someone fun to take me on a fancy date so I can wear it. Hmm.

=)

Ready, set, go.

p.s.

Sometimes I feel like the only states people are ever in is 

IN LOVE

NOT IN LOVE.

Tonight

Weirdly emotional.

Grandma and I watched the latter half of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and it made me cry a little. I've always identified with the Tibby character in a weird way. Not that I'm admitting to reading those books or watching the movies. No way.

Ahem.

Anyways. So then my grandma told me about how she feels responsible for my mom's weight problems and I was going to put the story on here but it makes me tear up a little so I guess I can't right now, it's probably for the better anyways.

But it makes me feel horrible, the way parents feel responsible for every little flaw you might have, like it is some shortcoming on their part. Sometimes I feel like I must be the heaviest weight on my parent's shoulders.

So we had a good cry fest over that and watched Girl With a Pearl Earring and now I can't sleep again but neither does my grandma so I guess it's a family trait.

My mom and my grandma seem to think I resemble Scarlett Johansson but I don't see it. Grandma says we make the same expressions which I'm a little offended by because she's always seemed a little dopey to me, but ok. I still think I look the most like Kate Winslet circa Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. That picture makes me a little sad. 

I guess I'll turn off the light now and fight with these pillows for awhile.

love love love.

This photo. Taken by Kristen.

Old friend.

 

  

I still have polaroids of this little guy from the last time I was here. It looks like someone tried to remove him and their attempts were foiled. Tehehee.

My grandma made me download Picasa for photo editing and it's a lot better than iPhoto. I should be getting the whole Adobe Creative Suite soon when my grandma starts taking classes at RISD. Thank the lawddd.

Oh, stop it.

We'll see how long you can keep this one up. I'm getting really tired of the nightmares involving you. I think my brain is trying to purge you out. I wake up sweating and crying almost every night.

I would like to dream about this tulip field, if possible. That's my dream request, great subconscious machine.

Angst, I guess.

I often feel like a huge disappointment.

My grandma adores me, she thinks I'm so talented and beautiful and wonderful. 

I wish I could live up to everyone's expectations for me.

Sometimes people think I'm beautiful, but I'm really just like everyone else.

Sometimes people think I'm smart because I'm quiet, but I'm not.

Sometimes people think I'll amount to something, but chances are I will end up miserable just like everybody else.

I'm so young and already I've fucked everything up. I wish I could start over.

I look at my heart and it hurts. I look at my face and I'm tired of it. I look at my GPA and I realize that if I ever go back to school I'm going to have one hell of a time getting any college to take a chance on me. I look at my job and I realize how incompetent I am at it.

I'M 18 AND EVERYONE EXPECTS ME TO INSTINCTUALLY KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MYSELF.

No more space left on my flickr. I really need to buy a pro account or find a sugar daddy to buy one for me soon. Went to the Waterman building today in Providence where they have a huge collection of taxidermied animals, bones, insects on pins, and human skeletons. Needless to say, I took a bunch of pictures.

Stupidly weepy today. I didn't sleep well, I had horrible nightmares about a certain someone and about going home and finding that my whole family had left without me. And also about crawling through very tiny spaces and getting stuck. That happens a lot in my dreams, I bet it has some deep subconscious meaning but I'd rather not give myself anymore reasons to think I'm crazy.

I'm scared to go home but I really miss it.