"You're just difficult."

I know.

Rachel.

Originally uploaded by salmonnn

I'm proud of this photograph.

Birdy

Birdy
Originally uploaded by Elif Sanem Karakoc

Highs and lows.

The onset of extreme highs and lows begins with insomnia. Last night I went to bed at around 11:45. I laid there for about an hour. Then I started crying. It's almost always in the dark at night that unbearable loneliness attacks. I laid there for 4 hours crying and talking to myself. I don't even remember what I said to myself but eventually I drifted off.

I've been talking to myself a lot lately. I think I'm turning into my mother. I also think I've been talking in my sleep. I woke up the other night saying THIRD FINGER ON A. Those young violinists will get to you.

I woke up feeling very happy and refreshed. It remained this way until noon when happy became manic. I laid down to take a nap and sat there for about an hour thinking of things and laughing to myself. A lot. Creepily. Most of the things involving Funyuns. Than Pearl came in and started watching synchronized swimming videos, and mesmerized and mollified I fell into a stupor that resulted in dreamless sleep.

And an hour ago I was crying hysterically. Sitting there just out of the shower wrapped in my towel and crying and feeling the hopeless weight of the world on my shoulders.

I don't know. This does not bode well.

My mom thinks I'm going to move to Richmond and instantly be cured, that my manic depression will disappear like magic. I'm not so sure. And I'm scared.

You'd better hope so.

"You're so sensitive! I mean, it's not a bad thing, it's endearing, but that must suck for you."

Yeah. It does. It really fucking does.

I need something. I just. Need. Something.

Something is not being fulfilled.

Sabotage.

I'm going to ruin this for myself.

I'm going to go to Richmond, still obsessed with you, still pining for you, and nothing is going to change except it's going to get worse because I'm going to see you moving on and being happy while I stay in the exact same place.

Sometimes I wish I had never met you.

What have I learned.

Don't fall in love. Don't trust. 

Don't wanna kiss you but I need to.

Again and again.

Your indecision is killing me, or perhaps you just don't care, which is more likely. You've got my heart in your hand as usual. Perilous. Funny how it always ends up there sooner or later.

If nothing compares, why would you want anything else?

I've been feeling kind of antisocial lately. I feel like everyone wants a piece of me and they're all pulling me in a million directions. It's my downfall to find this stressful as opposed to flattering. I'm thinking midweek I'll probably start feeling a little more social, so hang in there guys.

Only want to spend my days with one person right now, lolling about, eating mexican food as we please and watching movies. You would kiss my forehead. I can find the place on your shoulder that is the only place I sleep well these days. We would be happy. I just want to make you happy because that makes me happy. I'm all you need.

Oil and water.

The person I love doesn't love me. that's the way the world works, and I'd rather be alone than be with anyone else. We fumble around like the teenagers we are, grasping onto all the wrong things and misinterpreting each other's every word and motive. The only thing that is certain is the way my skin feels when I am around you, the way my legs get all wobbly, the rushing feeling down my spine. Fear and excitement and love and overwhelming. I feel like your doomed prey but at the same time I hunt you and devour you and spit out your bones over and over again. Next time I say, next time I will do better. I will change myself for you. We are a chain of disastrous recurring events that we are incapable of stopping, and I'm not sure we would even if we could. 

Be with me. Just be with me. We belong together, with all of our disparities. I promise I will let you down. I promise I will be very sorry about it. I promise I will love you so much I will hate you for it. I already do.

Down down down.

I'll cry about it later.

Right now it just feels so good.

The B Show

This is my latest greatest idea. Recently my mom got me a book with wonderful pictures of bacteria in it. In the back was a cd-rom with thousands of pictures of bacteria. I want to make a presentation with all of these pictures and project them somewhere with awesome music. We can call it The B Show or something and make cupcakes shaped like viruses.

No one does it like you.

Sorry I haven't been writing as much as usual. This week was fiddle fever camp and I've basically been coming home and dying of exhaustion every night. I never realized how nocturnal I am until this week. I get the vast majority of my texts and invites to places and things between the hours of 9 pm and 3 am. It's a little ridiculous. I still think I prefer living at night to the day though, no matter how many days that takes off of my life span. The sun sucks. Everything looks better at night and for some reason I feel less heavy.

This week has made me realize how much I really missed violin and fiddling and my music. It's such an important part of me and nobody usually even knows that I play. And I'm fucking good. When I move to Richmond I need to find some people to make music with. I imagine this won't be too hard.

I'm finally fully recovered from the poison ivy! There's a little bit left on my stomach and fingers but the vast majority of it is gone. I have some scars. Oh well. War wounds. Life with steroids sucks, and life without it sucks more. One of those lessons you have to learn the hard way. Our bodies attack themselves.

I feel like I've been operating on autopilot a lot lately. It's safer that way. I'm waiting for the next disaster, collecting my tears inside of me. Things between us are uneasy and frustrating and twingey. Like PMS kind of, when you feel bad and restless and achey and you almost never guess why until it's too late. That was kind of a weird gross example, sorry.

My heart is still numb. I hope one day it will unthaw from it's encasement of bitterness and weariness. I'm not going to worry about it too much right now. 

I only hope that maybe when man walked the earth as two, when we got separated, little pieces of us scattered everywhere, and not everything is just in one person. 

You make me feel things I've never felt before and I feel I will never have again. I hope I can prove myself wrong.

 No one does it like you- Department of Eagles

Where do I begin.

I don't even know.

Unthaw please, please, please.

Heads will roll.

First of all, the greatest thing I have ever seen. A penis cake pan.

Anyways.

It must be really fucking hard to stay with one person for any period of time and be faithful to them if you have a penis.

I don't understand.

At all.

I was really digging you.

And you have a girlfriend.

Now I'm that girl.

I feel so dirty and all we did was talk. I gave you a miniscule amount of trust, and you weren't even worth that.

I feel so hopeless. 

I need a sign. Or something.

I'll be alone forever. And maybe I just need to learn to be okay with this fact.

Originally uploaded by salmonnn

i've made my bed, don't have to lie in it.

We are not equals.

"We felt the imprisonment of being a girl, the way it made your mind active and dreamy, and how you ended up knowing which colors went together. We knew that the girls were our twins, that we all existed in space like animals with identical skins, and that they knew everything about us though we couldn’t fathom them at all. We knew, finally, that the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love and even death, and that our job was merely to create the noise that seemed to fascinate them."

-Jeffrey Eugenides, the Virgin Suicides.

(Barbie, you find all of the right things at the right time.)

Geeking

You and I got us nothing to give, wasted time and a mental drip
Automatic sex machine, rabid dogs get high on meat
Sanity's edge.

-Spinnerette

You'll find a new girl to call.

Photo by Richard Avedon.

Remember when you gave me that Richard Avedon book? 

It was one of the best presents I've ever received. 

I threw it away.

It was all a lie anyways. Those days, all lies. I know who you really are.

(but sometimes i wish you would come back.)

do you love me now.

Originally uploaded by Helénica

More things.

Cold skin.

Freckles on shoulders.

Slaughterhouse-Five, but only the book, not the film.

Room temperature water and how it makes your tongue feel fuzzy.

Plastic sandwich bags.

Jet Black

And this video has always given me intense brain orgasms. Thank you to Dannielle.

Laurel

I need to stop running away, but I guess I don't see it as running away, so therefore it is not. I said I was going to travel a lot this summer, that I was going to take any opportunity I was offered to do anything. I'm making good on that and so far it's been mostly good. Still, I would not recommend Laurel, Maryland as a possible destination unless you enjoy poison ivy and getting drunk every night because there is nothing else to do.

I have poison ivy. The worst I have ever had in my life. I'm terrified of ever venturing into the woods again. And the ironic thing about poison ivy is that it's our fault we get the reaction, our fault that our immune systems flip the fuck out and make us miserable. Poison ivy plants are smart. They prey on this ridiculous weakness. 

If it's not gone or improving immensely by the end of this week I'm going to the doctor. It just seems to be spreading over my whole body no matter how much crap I put on it.

I felt genuinely hopeless on Saturday. Probably the hangover. I get scared I will never find my match. I thought you were it, but now I'm not so sure. I think you were physically, emotionally not so much. I'm scared I will never enjoy kissing ever again, that I will never find someone who reduces me to puddle with just a look, someone who I feel like I fit with. I don't care how horribly cheesy that sounds, it's the truth. I feel like a rare vintage shoe missing it's partner. Maybe I just need to find another shoe from another pair. It's just going to be very hard and I'm going to have to go through a lot of fakes and dirty thrift stores. But maybe it's just right in front of me, in my closet, in the palm of my hand.

Sometimes I want to tell you that it takes all of my willpower to not text you every five minutes, or call you, or just do what we have always done in this situation which is move on and forget it ever happened. And wait for the next disaster to occur. But I'm not backing down on this one. I deserve so much better, and I may have found it. I hope you find someone who is good for you. For now, I'm trying my hardest not to care, to be indifferent, and mostly it is working.

Song right now, Jet Black by Jawbreaker. The lyrics are perfect. And it has the perfect amount of frustration, hate, anger, and weariness in it that I feel right now. 

The words.

Man... FUCK.

Just let it go.

Some Things

Rusty bobby pins by the sink

Detached hairs in interesting patterns

Runs in red stockings that look like arteries

Moments of intense, bone crushing sadness

And hunger

The clear pool over eyeballs.

I want love that feels like No Rain by Blind Melon. Not anything to do with the words really, just the way that song makes you feel.

Think about it.

201 post

Thank you Barbie for this, you are never a bother to me. Keep sending me brain presents, they make my day. =)

Sometimes I think something is broken. I'm doomed to work like clockwork in this same shit circle. I need something.

I need to find it soon.

I hurt. I hope you hurt too, but I know it could never be half as bad as I hurt. Sorry, I just know this as fact.

Going to Maryland with Raven all weekend. Adventure.

Listening to Grizzly Bear 2 Weeks.

I breathe but I don't live.

I want the quiet moments of a party girl (boy)

I haven't been away so long but I kept you waiting. I haven't been away so long seems some things have changed. But bad habits still make best friends. Aren't we just like envelopes? Keep in touch with my hand. Have you met the new guys? Let's play "Who Here Would Have Gone Nazi?" Let's get it on. I'm sorry I want to die. Do you still want to die? Let's get it on. Let's drive to Alaska. Let's drive to Alaska. Let's drive to Alaska. It really is a lonely life leaving and ignoring messages. All the necklacing. Let's drive to Alaska. Let's drive to Alaska. Let's drive to Alaska. Oh, I enjoy myself. I'm sorry I want to die. Do you still want to die? Let's get it on. O, don't we all saunter innocently enoughlike, love as a battlefield video.
-Owls

"i want to scold you

'cause i care more

than i care to."

Because

1.) You lie to me. Constantly. Or just don't tell me anything at all. Which is another form of lying.

2.) You can't say sorry. No matter what. I think you've only said sorry to me about 3 times during the whole course I've known you. And it was sarcastic or for things that didn't matter, like stepping on my foot or something.

3.) Every time I close my eyes or I'm not thinking of something else, I think of you, and that indubitably leads me to think about the shitty things you have done.

4.) You think you're so fucking perfect and everyone is below you.

5.) You know you're attractive and you use it like a weapon.

6.) You're a womanizer. You love dumb bitches. You love using them.

7.) Of you, I've lost my faith in fidelity.

8.) You use me. For sex, for things that I give you, for favors I've done for you.

9.) You've never given me anything except at Christmas, and except for things you didn't want anymore, and you're an indian giver. Normally I wouldn't give a shit but now it's just another thing I despise about you.

10.) You ruined my birthday.

11.) You don't care about anyone else's feelings, only your current needs and wants.

12.) You're really close-minded. You refuse to try new things, listen to different music, look at different art, watch anything other than 80s films, yet you tout yourself as different, as this hipster god.

13.) You will say anything to impress anyone, especially girls. Even lie.

14.) You are really really mean to me when I cry. Instead of just awkwardly patting me on the back and telling me if will be ok like you probably should you get mad at me and yell at me.

15.) You don't like going for walks. You complain constantly about driving but if I make you walk 10 feet you bitch about it.

16.) You don't take care of yourself at all and you won't let anyone else help you. You blame most of your mistakes or the dumb things you do at night on being drunk.

17.) You doubt that I love you.

18.) I constantly have to try to decode everything you do, try to find the real motive for it, and yet you never do the same for me. You see me getting upset and you instantly just think I'm crazy. You don't stop and think about it, you just get defensive or pissed off.

19.) You know how I feel about her. And you don't care. I know how you feel about certain people, and I just don't talk to them. I care about you that much that I would give up certain "friends" for you.

20.) You say the same things to other girls you say to me. I hate that so much. It makes it seem worthless.

21.) You've led me on for about 3 months now, hanging a relationship over my head so you can get what you want from me.

22.) You are in fact vindictive. Whenever we get into a fight you run off to talk to some girl I feel insecure about. You go and have oral sex with one of them. I would never do that to you. Maybe I should start since it seems to work for you.

23.) Whenever your best friend is around, you lose your head. You do asshole things. Even though he isn't fucking you, even though he isn't the one you call when you get in trouble or get lost coming out of Richmond and talk on the phone with for like 2 hours, you always stand by his side, even when he is so so so wrong and has no idea what the situation is. Think for your fucking self.

24.) You never tell anyone your middle name. Who the fuck is that insecure. It can't be that bad.

25.) Instead of comforting me about my insecurities, instead of saying, look I can understand why you're upset but you have nothing to worry about, I love you, you just get pissed off and defensive. Yep. That really convinces me nothing is going on.

26.) Sometimes you won't make eye contact with me when we're having sex.

27.) You're kind of an asshole when you sleep. When you're happy with me you're a really great cuddler but when you're not you just turn away and throw my arm off of you.

28.) The whole trailer park boys speak is really fucking annoying sometimes. Really.

29.) It's really not funny to say I hate you. 

30.) All girls go through people's cell phones. It's just something we do, especially if we feel suspicious, and so far I've never been proven wrong.

31.) You make me seem like a big fucking fool in front of your friends. Oh, there's Corey's stupid ex girlfriend. You really shouldn't let me hang around you.

32.) You say I make assumptions but so do you.

33.) You tell people I'm psychotic. You talk shit about me.

34.) You don't respect my boundaries. I tell you to leave me alone and you won't. What the fuck do you want from me anyways.

35.) You made out with someone and the next day called me as if nothing had happened asking for favors, and I fell for it, because I trusted you and because you lied to me about the situation.

36.) Every time I've trusted you, you've let me down.

37.) You're only a photographer sometimes, when it makes you look good, and you waste your talent on stupid shit like taking pictures of assholes at dumb clubs.

38.) You asked me to be your girlfriend again when you got back from Georgia, and then deleted my comments the next day and refused to change your status and acted as if it never happened. That is really fucked up. Really.

39.) You infiltrate my group of friends so now it's almost impossible for me to go anywhere at night without you fucking being there or me having a panic attack about you being there.

40.) I know this is just the excuse you've been looking for to finally get rid of me. I know you're not going to try to contact me or come see me or make this right. You don't care, you've made that abundantly clear. And that makes me question ever loving you in the first place.

I never want to see you again. I want my key back. I want my flannel back. I'll never mention your name again if you never mention mine.

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY.

Deleted my myspace and deactivated my facebook. 

(Well I can't delete my myspace because the email is no longer active but I told Pearl to change the password to something complicated and numerical that she won't remember and not tell me.)

Thinking about getting rid of my cell phone for good.

I lived so long without it I don't need it.

I can just use Pearl's phone in emergencies. In the meantime I'm turning this off. If you want my house phone contact Pearl. Chances are I won't answer though, the phone in my room doesn't even work anymore I don't think.

I need to be alone for awhile. I need to sleep and dream and not eat and not get out of bed for awhile. I need to be dead for awhile.

I need to reconsider why I've been put on this earth and whether I want to stay here anymore.

I hate people. I hate society. I hate everyone. I hate myself. I hate everything.

No one can be trusted. Just remember that. And never trust happiness. Everything is a fucking lie.

50 Secrets

Ok so I know I promised to do this TONIGHT, well, yesterday night now, for you Savannah but I got busy and I'm doing it now and I really hope I can get my staple gun back soon. I miss you, Heavy Duty. Hang in there.

I really hope I have 50 secrets. I'm going to try. Some of them might be really uncomfortable and some of them might be really stupid and some might not even be secrets at all but I'll try. And I really hope certain other people read this and forgive me for some of it.

Ok. Long random list number 2!

1.) My sister once dubbed me "Squirtle". The reason for this is because I ran out of birth control pills and couldn't go get more for some reason and I think I also had the stomach flu, but three days after running out I had a terrible nightmare and I woke up and ran to the bathroom and had the worst diarrhea of my Whole. Entire. Life. I was crying. It was like my butt was vomiting. Of course I had to tell Pearl and to this day she still calls me Squirtle. Now you all know why. And now you know why I HATE that nickname.

2.) During the duration of this sickness time I started texting the tumultuous love of my current young life. He's been stuck with me ever since. And I don't think he knows about the Squirtle thing. That's the secret I guess.

3.) He has no idea how much fucking courage it took for me to text him. Seriously. I sat there and stared at that first text for about a minute and when I finally did it I squealed and hid under the covers and had a panic attack when he texted back and couldn't look at it.

4.) Everyone says I'm a flirt but I'm actually really really atrociously bad at those types of things. As is obvious by the above.

5.) A lot of these are going to be about aforementioned love of my young life by the way, sorry. I'm really obsessed with him. Obsessed isn't the word I guess because it sounds creepy but I guess that's love. Love is creepy as fuck if you think about it.

6.) My nipples are pierced.

7.) One time I overheard my parents say about me "Michaela doesn't listen to anything you say she just stares at things that aren't there." I thought nobody noticed.

8.) When I was going through puberty I was really obsessed at staring at crotches, particularly male ones. Seriously. It was weird.

9.) I hate walking when people are watching me. I feel so awkward and I think I walk funny because I overanalyze my movements and usually stick my fingers in my mouth which looks really infantile.

10.) Sometimes I think all I have going for me is my looks.

11.) And other times I really think I have nothing at all going for me because sometimes I think I really don't look all that great.

12.) I think my eyebrows make me look angry but I'm afraid to ask someone because that's just a really stupid thing to ask.

13.) I spend a lot of time staring at my own face. I wish for one moment I could step out of my body and see me the way other people do.

14.) I'm starting to really hate girls. Seriously, unless they are really cool or really smart or really unattractive I feel majorly threatened by them and won't be their friend.

15.) My favorite font is Helvetica and I do not care how hipster that is. I liked it first, ok?! I've even watched the documentary. How many people have done that?!

16.) As far as clothes go I really really just enjoy being comfortable now more than anything. I spent so many years wearing fussy annoying ridiculous clothes. Still, sometimes I get worried my appearance is too boring which is a dumb worry.

17.) I'm really self deprecating. =(

18.) I used to steal my mom's romance novels and read them secretly until I realized how repetitive and boring they all are.

19.) I lurk a lot on Myspace and Facebook. Part of my annoying insecurity that I seem to have developed a lot of as of late.

20.) I'm really really good at subtly getting revenge. It scares me sometimes.

21.) Every time I'm about to do something I get really scared I'm going to mess it up and I get so scared I will I usually do. It's a vicious cycle.

22.) I'm bipolar. 

23.) When I want to make myself feel better I usually change my appearance in some way.

24.) I'm really bad at names. 

25.) I'm also really bad at celebrities. Seriously I usually can't care less.

26.) Sometimes I think if I got pregnant I would be really happy.

27.) I know it's boring but I want to get married and have children and a dog and hamsters one day.

28.) There are three people in this world that I would like to see die, and if I could get away with it, I would kill them myself and probably relish every moment of it.

29.) I hate people you have to try really hard to make smile or laugh. 

30.) I really love old people and watching old people and conversing with old people. Especially carmudgeons.

31.) Black people usually think I'm really funny even when I'm not doing anything funny at all. It makes me feel weird.

32.) I had this friend at Salem named Arianne and she used to punch me on my upper arms all the time, which are ridiculously sensitive but she was kind of really scary and I never said anything to her about it even though sometimes I had to run to the bathroom and cry. I feel stupid about it now. In her own way she really cared about me though. She used to make fun of me a lot but if anyone else did she gave them a lot of shit. She was also the first and only person in my life to ever cornrow my hair.

33.) Hallways scare me. I usually have to run through them really fast.

34.) One time I got a really gross hair growing out of my areola but I plucked it out and it never grew back. I still have nightmares about it even though apparently this is really common.

35.) Speaking of boobs, I'm really insecure about mine. I'm getting better at not hating them though. It just seems infinitely unfair that I don't have any.

36.) If my sister died I would want to die with her.

37.) When she got her nose pierced I almost punched the piercer out. I hate seeing her in pain.

38.) I've never actually punched anyone though and even though my dad taught me how I don't think I would pack a very powerful punch. Which scares me a little but I don't plan on ever getting into a fight.

39.) One time one of my ex boyfriends watched me get punched in the stomach at a show and he didn't say or do anything, he didn't even ask me if I was ok. And than he left me all by myself at 2 in the morning on a dark street corner because I was waiting for a ride. I've never told him so but this is the prime reason we broke up, among other more obviously devastating reasons.

40.) I don't think I'm self absorbed I'm just constantly trying to figure myself out. Sometimes the way I act shocks and repulses even me.

41.) I way overanalyze germs. Like I will watch someone sneeze and than make a trail of germs wherever they go.

42.) I get rashes on my neck when I'm stressed out or nervous. I really hate it.

43.) I probably spend more time thinking about annihilating body hair than anything else worthwhile. Ok maybe that's an over exaggeration but I think about it a lot and my hate for it. Not so much on other people but on myself. I actually admire hairy people.

44.) One time during the time when I was a vegetarian my mom made steak and in the middle of the night I got this intense craving for it so I went to the kitchen and ate more than half of it with my bare fingers, picking it up cold off of the plate and shoving it into my mouth. She knew but she never said anything about it and I never told anyone.

45.) Anything fried gives me a crazy stomach ache and diarrhea.

46.) I tell my mom almost everything. Seriously. Everything.

47.) When my sister pinches her arms it pisses me off a lot. It's really stupid and I shouldn't care but I really wish she would stop.

48.) I used to fantasize a lot about killing my dad but now I'm really glad I didn't.

49.) I now just enjoy thinking up elaborate schemes that involve a lot of suffering for people I dislike. 

50.) I feel really guilty when I talk about myself too much. All of this usage of I is giving me a rash.

Random things.

I thought I would do one of those things that everyone likes to do where they list random things about themselves. Sounds invigorating. I'm going to try to do it every once in awhile on here.

1.) I change my mind every 5 seconds.

2.) I think it's stupid how much humor means to people. Like if you're not funny at all you won't have friends. That's just how it works. That sucks.

3.) I really hate it when people project onto you. Like they say "You're cheating on me!" and you're like "No, that's what you would do. Don't try to assume I'm like you."

4.) I need to learn to be my own heroine. Sometimes I just wait for things to get better without doing anything about it, or for someone to come along and make me feel better about things. For someone so antisocial I'm really actually very dependent and needy upon/to my friends.

5.) It makes me mad when someone can't say sorry and they refuse to believe they did anything wrong. Any time something shitty happens I usually say sorry even if I didn't do anything wrong because I'm sorry the shitty situation is happening. See?

6.) I try not to say 'like' too much but sometimes you have to for it to make sense.

7.) My voice is really monotone I think.

8.) Nothing annoys me more than dumb girls. Nothing.

9.) I know I say that I hate people and they're all boring and 'normal' but truly, I feel like no one is normal. Everyone is fucked up in some way or another, especially the ones that try really hard to look normal.

10.) I like to try to figure out people's giant character flaws just by looking at them. Usually I'm right. Especially if it's a guy.

11.) I find it really annoying how jealousy works. Because if you have too little of it, it feels like you don't care, and if you have too much of it, that's not good either.

12.) I get really anxious. ABOUT EVERYTHING. Even things I do every day. I know it's stupid and I'll be ok but I still get anxious. At the same time though I find myself really not caring about anything. It's the weirdest feeling to be anxious about something that doesn't matter to you at all.

13.) I put all of my stress in my stomach. Sometimes the muscles around my stomach really hurt because I think I squeeze it when I'm nervous or upset.

14.) I have a hiatal hernia. Basically that means my stomach is even more fucked up than previously mentioned and I have hiccups all the time.

15.) I hate taking medication. For anything. I put myself through a lot of needless suffering.

16.) I know everyone hates complaining but I honestly think I'm the funniest when I'm complaining and it's part of who I am.

17.) I don't think I'm better than anybody else. I KNOW I am. In some cases.

18.) If I don't read every night at least a little, even if I'm really really tired, I can't sleep.

19.) I love cranberry juice. I dislike Gatorade. I have my reasons.

20.) If you ask me to recommend a book I'll usually recommend Feed or the Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing by M.T. Anderson, or Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block. Depending on who you are. Those are just the defaults for some reason.

21.) I really want to be a piercer some day. I think I'd be good at it. But I don't tell a lot of people this dream because it seems infinitely impractical.

22.) My infinite practicality and tendency towards flights of fancy have arguments all the time.

23.) I live in my own head more than I live in the real world. I'll make myself sick with imagining things and sometimes I think things I imagined actually happened.

24.) My friend Mykel is the BEST at telling stories or giving advice. Seriously.

25.) I hate pooping and not being able to take a shower afterwards. It just feels nasty.

26.) My sister and I and most of my close friends talk about poop a lot. If you can't handle it chances are we won't be friends. Any time I'm pooping and I have my phone with me I text my sister or Seychelle and tell them all about it. And I love getting phone calls while Corey is pooping. It's funny and makes me feel special for some ridiculous reason.

27.) I love dresses. I just want to wear dresses or rompers every day. I hate putting on pants and taking them off. It sucks.

28.) I feel uncomfortable if I'm not wearing underwear. Except for in obvious situations. Cough.

29.) The two most frequent insults I hear from ex boyfriends are "psycho bitch" and "nymphomaniac".

30.) The question I get asked the most is "is that real?" in reference to my tattoo.

Love, or some sort of great tolerance.

My parents wedding. I was there.

One day, I really want to get married and have children.

I hate how

Every time you feel like you've got a handle on things, that it's up up up from here on out, something almost always comes along and knocks you off of your feet again.

But I guess, in a way, it's also very wonderful.

Mom to baby says.

"You need to work on not feeling like you don't have any friends. You have way more friends than I had at your age and you seem to have a lot more potential of staying friends with them for a long time."

I guess my mom is right. I'm going to put in fresh effort towards getting my permit too. I'm just really nervous. I need to work on not going into everything with the thought that I'm going to completely fuck it up.

I lied to my mom last night about something but she figured it out anyways. I feel bad about it. She told me that I could tell her anything, that even though she may not like it, she knows I'll figure it out and I need to tell her the truth in the mean time. I don't know what I was thinking. I never lie to her about anything. I guess I was just trying to spare her feelings but I'm learning very quickly that "trying to spare someone's feelings" can often be more hurtful and have a more negative effect than just telling them the truth.

Whoosh.

In other news, I'm really glad John and I are friends again. He's a very positive influence in my life right now. And I'm glad I'm back in Virginia Beach with Pearl and Hunter and Seychelle and Savannah and everyone, even if a lot of people here are assholes and call us pasty (Pearl). 

Anyways, I'll say it again: I am so lucky to have friends, to have people who put up with my obnoxious angst all the time. I promise one day I will repay you guys in full.

As far as affairs of the heart, I'm just going to let it be. I still want to be with you more than almost anything in this world. I still think about you every five minutes, if not more, of every day. I am the most happy and the most safe when I'm in your arms. I'm going to miss you, but I figure while I'm here I might as well make the most of it, and the rest is up to you. I'm not going to bug you about being with me anymore. It's your choice, and I don't want you to say it again unless you truly mean it. I will always have a place in my heart for you, I would do anything for you. I hope you know that, and I hope one day we can look back on this and remember only the good things, and laugh at how silly we were. That's my plan anyways.

And everything will be ok. I love you.

I think my new goal is to one day become a flight attendant, or work for an airport, maybe a gatekeeper or something. I think I would really really enjoy that.

List of things to accomplish/future goals:

Clean my room really well and throw out at least half of the crap in here I forgot I even had.

Get more root beer floats with John and have Volta listening drives.

Go on more adventures with Savannah and Pearl and Hunter. 

Save my money so I can go to Bob Dylan with Ashley.

Find the (other) bike of my dreams and possibly the person who stole mine so I can finally get my revenge which I'm still drawing up the diagrams for.

Find a job in Richmond, but I'm probably still just going to transfer to the Barnes and Noble there.

Sounds good for now, eh?

Afterwards.

It's harder to get up on the right side of the bed

These days foot steps in snow make me feel less alone

It's secret I'm still hoping for some kind of X-ray vision

And I would beam into your bedroom blinds just so I knew you were alright

Acting mature is overrated I miss the days of keying cars

And spreading rumors on the bathroom stalls and locker room walls

Where we forgot we looked when we were hoping no one noticed

Praying someday we'd fit into this mess

It won't be long before I

Forget just what it felt like

To fall asleep with you breathing next to me

I shut the door when you left to keep out the cold and myself

From running after you just like I saw in the movies

It's true I have my regrets we never danced on rooftops

And I have found some fake words to say when a stranger asks about our death

It won't be long before I

Forget just what it felt like

To know that I did not know anything

It's safe to say that even though we're disregarding

I can't help but to wonder which song you're humming

And so I sit and pretend I don't mind that I don't know you

or what your schedule might look like on any given Thursday afternoon

somebody wrote this rulebook and so we will make the effort

to be more scarce in the social situations that we might share

It won't be long before I

Forget just what it felt like

To feel anything for you at all

In lines at grocery stores I'm dozing off into your arms

and I hope somedays you can't help but to doze off to me too.

-Danielle Ate the Sandwich, Afterwards.

Clutch.