Lady hawk.

Egle Tvirbutaite

Start from the beginning

I was just thinking about how we come into this world thinking we're perfect until other people tell us we're not, and those become our insecurities. Once in middle school this boy I liked told me he would never date me because my nose was too big. I had never thought before then that my nose was big, or really, anything other than a nose. He planted a little seed of insecurity, and to this day I still sometimes think my nose is rather large, but I am not the sort of person to get hung up on such a thing because I think weird noses are beautiful, and mine does it's job perfectly well, so I am content with it.

Still, it's weird how other people can affect our whole image of ourselves. I was reading fmylife.com the other day and someone was saying how they never knew their thighs were not supposed to touch, and that their thighs have always touched. I hate that. I hate it when you watch tv shows or you hear someone complaining about something on their bodies or something and you think, does mine do that too? Does this make me unattractive?

Things I like that some people think are unattractive or unfavorable are:

-Gaps in teeth, especially in women. I think that can be really adorable.

-Strange noses. Noses with character.

-Bushy eyebrows. If you can pull off bushy eyebrows or a unibrow, kudos to you. I think that's really awesome.

-Body hair on females. Especially armpit hair. It just seems really empowered.

-Pale pale skin. 

-Brown eyes. Everyone obsesses over blue eyes but I think brown eyes are the sweetest.

-FRECKLES.

I said, "Kiss me, you're beautiful..

These are truly the last days"

You grabbed my hand and we fell into it

Like a daydream or a fever

We woke up one morning and fell a little further down

For sure it's the valley of death

I open up my wallet

And it's full of blood.

-excerpt from Dead Flag Blues by Godspeed You Black Emperor!

You will put your arm around her.

It will kill me.

One day I will wake up and stop loving you.

maybe in another place and another time.

but thank you all the same.

Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't've?

You stir my natural emotions

You make me feel I'm dirt

And I'm hurt

And if I start a commotion

I run the risk of losing you

And that's worse.

 

Ever fallen in love with someone?

Ever fallen in love?

In love with someone

Ever fallen in love?

In love with someone

You shouldn't've fallen in love with?

 

I can't see much of a future

Unless we find out what's to blame

What a shame

And we won't be together much longer

Unless we realize that we are the same.

doppleganger

my flickr

When I get very upset

or am shocked by what is happening

I get this melting feeling in the back of my neck

like my brain is slipping out.

And than I feel like I'm going to vomit.

And than I do.

Never never worry about things. Because chances are you're right and they will manifest themselves into your biggest nightmare.

I want to be a butterfly. Or a fish. Flying and swimming in circles forever until I die. Very soon.

Where's your heart.

where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart where's your heart

oh my god

where's your heart?

Unicorn.

My love

Is not enough.

Lament and nothing to lose.

I love your face when I’m kissing you.

I love the way your eyes look at me when we are making love.

I love the way you smell, even when you haven’t bathed. Because it just smells like you.

I love it when you take showers for me though, too. 

I love the way my sheets smell like you for a day or two after you’ve been there, and after that I still stick my nose in the pillow where your head was, trying to find it.

I love your ideas about God and religion.

I love the noises you make when you eat.

And the noises you make when we make love.

I love the way small children and animals adore you.

I love how you do what you have to do almost always, like with work and school and things. You don’t let despair or laziness get the best of you.

I love how you talk to me and take care of me when I’m drunk. How patient you are.

I love how cool your back is and the way my face fits into it, and my arms around you. 

And I love laying on top of you and squishing you and how you pretend that you don't mind that my stupid bony little body is digging into you.

I love how you instinctively pull me closer to you even when you are deep in sleep.

I love how optimistic you can be about things. Naïve almost.

And how you are very worldly about other things, and how you try to protect me and warn me with your own experiences, even though I’m dumb and usually insist on figuring it out myself.

I love how we can have comfortable silences.

I love holding your hand

And the way you kiss me like my mouth is something very delicious.

In fact I just love kissing you period. With other people before it seemed kind of tedious and gross. I never get tired of kissing you ever.

I love your neck and how it smells. I want to burrow there forever.

I love how excited and slightly nervous I get before I see you.

I love how comfortable I am with my body when I’m with you. I actually like my boobs when I am with you.

I love dancing with you. It makes me weak in the knees.

I love how I would do almost anything for you. I would walk to be with you if I had to and in fact I almost have several times before I realized how ridiculous I was being.

I love how trusting and loyal you are to your friends, and I want to kill them when they betray that trust.

But I love your friends.

I love your family. And your dog.

I love your stomach. It’s so soft and lovely and adorable.

I love how our bodies fit together.

I love how you make me do things I would normally never do, or try things I shut myself off to. Like Mexican food and the music you listen to. I don’t really detest it all that much.

I love making things for you or giving you things.

I love how I think about you constantly. I dream about you all the time. I don’t normally dream about people I know.

I love your dreams and hearing about them.

I love your photography. And the way you draw.

And the way you hold your camera.

I love your hands in general.

I love sharing my things with you. I don’t care that you steal my lighters. And I don’t even like smoking Pall Malls but I love it when you share your cigarettes with me.

I love your laugh and making you laugh.

And your voice. I love your voice.

I love it when you call me every morning and wake me up. I realize now that I have no idea how to get up on my own, and I’m usually in a terrible mood. I am always happy after I talk to you.

I love hearing about all the things that happened during your day. Or the things you worry about. Or really just anything you have to say.

I love the freckles on your shoulders.

I love how I think of you when I hear certain songs. I’ve never been that sentimental before.

I love watching horrible reality TV shows with you and Maury and making fun of the people.

I love how you put up with me bossing you around, like demanding that you kiss or rub my tummy. You’re the best at doing that.

I love that out of all the beautiful and older and more normal girls in the world you chose me to be your girlfriend. I thought I didn’t take that for granted, but I should have realized how lucky I was to have that title.

I love that I love you, even though some people tell me I shouldn’t, and I refuse to believe that they are right. I love that I don’t want anyone else, that the thought of being with anyone else makes me feel sick. I love that I actually care about this, and that it’s not getting easier with time. It’s just getting harder. And I hate myself more and more each day for what I did. I feel like I have caused irreparable damage. I hate myself for this.  But I love you. I can’t stop.

No sleep

For the wretched.

Peter Lindbergh.

I love this man's work. It's almost impossible to find any of his really good photos online but if you ever have the chance pick up a book called Peter Lindbergh, published by Assouline. Oh Milla Jovovich, we love thee so.

A birthday carriage.

Summer time.

Been a little bit obsessed with "Something To Do With My Hands" by Her Space Holiday lately. I keep listening to it over and over again even though I know it will make me thoroughly sick of it. 

I'm excited because today at work I noticed Cat Power: A Good Woman by Elizabeth Goodman. I can't wait to buy it and thoroughly peruse it. I can totally relate to some epic breakdowns right now.

I spent a great majority of my time like this as a child. I hope when I finally have kids it will be acceptable for them to do this too. I don't care. I'll move to a secluded forest if I have to, so my kids can experience the joys of a naked childhood.

Just be gentle with me.

I hate

How you turn my love into something terrible.

I do it because I love you. I do it because I don't want to share you. Jealousy is a tiger that tears not only its prey but also its own raging heart. I've got my tail in my own fucking mouth.

Poised for battle.

photo by black

I wish we could go back to a simpler time.

Ruiner

I sicken myself.

Momma says

You've got to be polite, girl.

Je ne regrette rien.