Be courageous! Have faith! Go forward!

-Thomas Edison

Over over over over.

This addiction has got to stop.

So fucking disillusioned right now.

Even when I thought things were good they weren't.

But such is life I guess.

I'm going to starve myself in my room for a bit. Make my bones feel clean.

Moving

On Wednesday now. I can't stand this sitting around in my empty room all alone worrying about Pearl and Seychelle and the house and everything anymore, even though it's only been a few days. I think I can handle this and hopefully I won't need to come back in September for that psychiatrist appointment.

I think getting away from a certain someone will be good for me. I know you won't visit. But I think I'm ok with that for the time being.

Photoshoot with Hunter tomorrow. I'm excitedededed.

Made the thing on the right from screenshots from a video on Youtube. Probably illegal/unethical/blah blah blah don't care. They're so sweet. They remind me of fish fighting which everyone thinks they are kissing but they're not.

Which gives me ideas. 

Over it.

Maybe just a little.

I'm getting tired of your lies and your false promises and the constant other girls. I guess I'm just tired. And getting is wrong. I've been tired, but now I feel defeated. I feel fucking defeated. No amount of crying or screaming or coaxing or loving or ignoring is going to make you change. This is a hard thing to live with.

I'm trying to remove myself from you, to make myself your lover, live solely in the physical moment, but it's hard for me. It's not in my nature to do so. I love with my whole self, not just my body. I'm very monogamous and I expect my partner to be the same.

And I care for you. I don't want to. But I do. 

Sigh.

What a tangled web we weave.

I got a new dress today. It makes me look like I have boobs! Yay, I'm almost a real woman. I hope puberty hits soon. 

My blog is probably going to be chock full of inane posts like this until October 1st since I will be friendless and bored out of my mind until then. Well, not entirely friendless, Hunter and Savannah and Maria, etc. I'm looking forward to spending timeee.

Missin' my house, missin' my girls. 

I feel sick back in Virginia Beach. My room is really empty and all my clothes are in cardboard boxes rarin' to go. There is no Pearl around to hog the shower and get chinese food with after I'm done being mad at her for hogging the shower. Sigh. 

Happy official birthday, Savannah! 

Femme Fatale house

Originally uploaded by salmonnn

We play dress up 24/7.

The decline.

Something strange is going on. I can feel it. You are up to something.

Or maybe it is nothing at all.

My nerves are always on edge. 

One day soon I will fall right over.

It's a very sad day when you hear a Miley Cyrus song that completely makes sense and makes you really depressed.

I want to go back to my house now. Driving back to Virginia Beach gave me a stomach ache.

Rip rend tear.

H

For someone so depressed I sure have a lot of hope.

I've seen you at your best and I've seen you damn near your worst.

I still love you, despite many things that should have made me leave you alone forever.

I won't give up. No matter how long it takes, I will make you love me. One day you will open your eyes and see what I have done for you, how I always see how lovely and perfect and gorgeous you are, even though you refuse to see it for yourself. I am all the love you are missing from yourself, walking, fragile, aching, terrible. I want to put it back inside of you one day, when you're ready.

I will wait until then, sometimes patiently and other times not so much. But I will always wait.

I love you more than I have ever loved before, and I fear I will never love as much again.

The worst part

I can't even cry right now.

Just that sinking feeling of dread and my mind mocking me.

I told you so I told you so I told you so.

You stupid silly girl.

I still have hope. I wish I could extinguish it forever so this would never happen again.

Next time. Next time you will be prettier, wittier, better. I will love you forever if you can just do these things.

I'm not sure I believe in possession, but I sure can see how people might think the voice in their mind could be Satan.

Eat shit sex sleep die.

I stay positive. You make me happy. I try to stay happy to keep you happy. I keep quiet. I hold my tongue. And mostly it makes me happy.

I stay negative. I hit your words away, good or bad. I cry with frustration. I miss you when you hold me. I say things I don't remember and things I don't mean but they still hurt you and they still hurt me. 

I need security. I need the routine of this. I need the promise from your mouth that you will be with me and only me. 

I love you terribly. So much it hurts. I want you near me, inside me, next to me, so much so that my skin begins to ache. 

I smother everything I touch.

I've never done anything half heartedly, nothing that I care about anyways. Too sensitive, too passionate for anything. I miss the numbness of those pills, my inability to cry.

I'm like a huge hot tropical flower with massive petals, strangling everything I touch and need and feed off of with my roots. I climb the highest trees with my vines covered in thorns and I plumb the richest deepest dirt, feeding and feeding until everything is dead around me. I am radiant and gorgeous in my prime, my terrible monstrous throbbing beauty. I smell like meat and male flies land on me and I trap them and digest them slowly or rapidly, depending on the fly, become engorged, spit out the tiny black hairy legs..

I wish a big deer would come along and eat me, but such is certain death, and the deer know this, and stay away.

Graduation.

graduation.
Originally uploaded by salmonnn

I'm graduating into the world. My mother is so lovely.

aunt muggs + grandma robin

aunt muggs + grandma robin
Originally uploaded by salmonnn

I haven't done one of these posts in awhile and this is the reason I started the blog! As usual Michaela gets sidelined by her angst. Sorry, guys.
My aunt Margaret (called Muggs) and my grandma, probably in Virginia Beach.

"I'm sorry I was never what you wanted me to be."

Fuck.

Let me kiss you one last time.

Leave me standing here, act like I'm not around
The the coast will probably never clear, can I please go home now
I had that dream about you again
Where I wait outside until you let me in,
and there I stay.

Been in a nostalgic Blink-182 mood a lot lately. Thanks Savannah for reintroducing us.

I want

To tame you. "I'll bathe you in the crystal light that sleeps between my thighs", maybe that will be enough, or maybe you will go away just like everyone else who could have meant something to me.

And you, you are staying right here, but you will not have me.

This is my curse.

My life is very monotonous, he said. I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And in consequence, I am a little bored.

I just want to dance with my shirt off.

I've been thinking a lot about this book I'm supposed to be writing. I want it to be about my childhood, and about me and you, and about experiences I haven't had yet but I want to. 

Sometimes I wish I were a painting. Especially a lot lately. I want to hang in my own room in the RISD museum in a lavish gold frame, surrounded by a pyrotechnic light show. I want Raphael by Cocorosie to be playing, and taxidermied animals to litter the floor, some toppled on their sides with their legs stiffly out. 

Maybe I could just do that as my job, sit inside of a frame for people to look at. At night I will sneak out after the museum closes and sleep beneath shivering Sun King porcelain. They all wear the fat uncertain smiles of everyone outside, the little cupids with dormant snail penises squeezing the breasts of nubile nymphs.

Please talk back to me. Please say good bye to me. I can't bear the thought of never seeing you again. It is hard, but please, come out of hiding for me. I will hold my tears inside until I am away from you. You will see two tiny reflections of yourself drowning in my eyes, but I will keep them to myself. You should be sated on my tears as it is.

There is a man, four thousand miles away. He uses the earth to earn his keep. He has kind eyes and when he is drunk he doesn't speak for fear of chasing pretty girls away. 

A tiny hope, over the mountains. It is no coincidence my nickname is a fish. 

Catch and release. Maybe you could just hold me.

You have to start caring eventually.

Or not.

Pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

You still

Give me butterflies.

I need a net. Put them in a jar and save them for a time when we are both in a better place, or maybe just break off all their wings.

I'LL FOLLOW YOU UNTIL YOU LOVE ME.

I'LL FOLLOW YOU UNTIL YOU LOVE ME.
Originally uploaded by salmonnn

"You trust me?!"
"Completely."
"You shouldn't. I'm a wild animal."

Hold onto this.

Today was such an amazing day, and to think I wasn't going to come. I need to force myself to do more things.

Something about the ocean makes me feel completely at peace. It batters you and takes it out of you and throws jellyfish near you and makes you squeal and run away (haha, HUNTER. You make me happy).

I love getting hit by the waves and diving under them and lifting my body to go along with them. I love salt in my mouth and sand sticking to me and seaweed flowers. I think some part of me remembers my mother rocking me in the waves in Key West and it still makes me feel at ease. My skin is burnt and red but I feel purified. I don't know if I've posted the dolphin picture before but I'll do it again. I need to go through the photo vaults before I leave and get as many pictures as possible.

I love Savannah. We have the same brain waves, only she's really good at channeling mine into good directions. I can only hope I make her as happy as she makes me.

You saved my life.

I feel like a fresh start. I need to hold onto this day and remember it when I feel like dying and wallowing in my own grief. I think I will.

Every you every me.

Like the naked leads the blind, I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind. Sucker love, I always find someone to bruise and leave behind.

I'll never tell you.

If I thought you really cared I would but I feel as if you are just asking out of morbid curiosity.

I read once that some people in Africa laugh at death, it's their custom to. They are not allowed to cry because this shows weakness and the spirits will prey upon it, and than the spirit of the dead person might come back, attracted to their sorrow.

I am on the edge looking at myself trapped down below.

I had a conversation for two hours, the deepest one I've had in awhile, and it turned out it wasn't even real. You were drunk, or is that just an excuse and why do you even need one?

I am so disillusioned, so sickened. Disillusioned is a great word. The illusion is gone, it's been ruined. The fairy food is nothing but leaves and thorns and dead bugs with hairy legs, and I ate it all, gorged myself sick.

When I meet the one I will love again, I will hate him at first. I will hate him for seeing through my bullshit, my manipulativeness, my weakness, my scared acting out. But he won't be scared of me. He won't lash out at me. He won't tsk tsk at me. He will just hold me and understand, or try to. You're sick, baby. You are sick. 

Joely? 

Yeah Tangerine? 

Am I ugly? 

Uh-uh. 

When I was a kid, I thought I was. I can't believe I'm crying already. Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don't matter. So, I'm eight, and I have these toys, these dolls. My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine, and I keep yelling at her, "You can't be ugly! Be pretty!" It's weird, like if I can transform her, I would magically change, too. 

[kisses Clementine] You're pretty. 

Joely, don't ever leave me. 

You're pretty... you're pretty... pretty... 

They would have you believe

That there is something wrong with me

But really, there is something wrong with the world, and if you are not sad and mad and crazy about it, there is something wrong with YOU.

Now every other man I see

it's silly to think that anything ever made sense.
Originally uploaded by salmonnn

Remind me of the one man who disappoint me.

You're boring baby when you're sane.

party
Originally uploaded by xecco

"Where's my cred?"

"Corey G. Dixon ruined my life."

There, you happy?

A book.

Once I read a book, I can't remember the title of it now, but it was about these two girls who have many lascivious adventures, mostly with older rich artists. And I remember in one part of the book the narrator says something about how when someone is inside of you, as in when one is having sex, you are less yourself than when someone is not.

I guess this makes sense. I know you are not yourself when you are with me. I thought maybe the you with me was really you, but I know now it's just another mask you put on with a mouth ready to spurt forth lies.

I don't want to be a lover. I never asked for that. I am not made for that. I am made to love someone all the time, not just with my body at night, like it's something to be ashamed of.

Don't feel bad for me.

I don't feel bad for myself. I bring it all upon myself.

I'm so stupid. You would think that after so mistakes each one would hurt less, but this is not the case. The same mistake hurts every time if not more each time.

My feelings are laid bare for all to see all the time and I feel it all.

"People have free will. Able to hurt each other. It's not all you."

"Sometimes I feel like if someone doesn't acknowledge it as hurt it doesn't exist."